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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Fulfillment: when all I want is Him

As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. Psalm 42:1

I am tired, but I am not as tired as I was a week ago. Sometime in the last week or so, as I was nearly randomly searching YouTube for background noise, I saw a message by Matt Chandler about being a healthy leader. I decided maybe I should listen to it because I wasn’t exactly feeling like I was in a place of healthy leadership. I have a philosophy in my life: if I am not spiritually healthy, I can’t lead in a spiritually healthy way.

My hunch that listening to the message would be good for me was pretty accurate. I don’t remember all his points, but I remember it was at least partially about abiding in Christ. Matt talked about how we start to look at leaders around us that we think are “great”, and we start to copy them. They read certain books, so we do. They have a certain amount of quiet time, so we do. They wake up at a certain time to pray, so we do. We begin to copy the people who we think have “arrived” or at least have arrived where we want to be. Matt thought this was foolish. We don’t have to do what someone else does to abide in Christ. We need to do what we need to do to abide in Christ.

Now I am not necessarily good at being a copycat. It isn’t because I couldn’t find a person I admire to copy. It is more because I am actually too busy to copy them. Besides copying them is likely to feel unnatural. I am not them. Nor do I actually want to go where God has called them. I desperately want to go where God has called me. No other place will be the right destination or bring peace on my journey.

But the other part of what Matt said, the part about abiding in Christ, now that applies to me big time. I remember a time when I needed to trust all week long that God would change me enough by the end of the week to do what He had asked me to do because I knew on Monday that I was not yet able to do on Friday what I was committed to do on Friday. I needed to trust Him every minute and every hour for the spiritual growth I needed to step into the role He asked me to fill.

Hearing Matt talk made me wonder what happened to me abiding in Christ. When did it all become routine? When did I quit resting in Him? When did I lose focus on the Savior and begin to concentrate on the routine of serving Him? When did I lose the joy of being included in the Kingdom?

I have started to remember that all my fulfillment is in Him. Nothing on this earth will fulfill me. Not an enormous paycheck. Not a “successful” ministry. Not countless friends. Not a loving family. Not a husband. Not children. Not a clean, spacious, airy apartment, overlooking the Manhattan skyline. Not the most gorgeous head of hair or the healthiest heart. Satisfaction is found in Him alone.

Eventually it made me think of the eleventh step and seventh principle because they do not just say we will spend time in Bible study, meditation and prayer, they add something else. “…praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and power to carry that out.”

It is fully recommended we all pray long before we even take the first step, but step eleven goes deeper. When we reach this step on our journey, “quiet time” becomes an integral part of our lives. Not something we “try” to work into our schedule, but something our schedule works around. Something we can’t live without. We do not become perfect, but we recognize and prioritize our need for Him.

For years, one word in this step and principle has stood out to me. The humble, little “only”. It seems the step would read so differently without it. It is one thing to pray for knowledge of God’s will, another to be willing to do it, yet another to be open to doing it in His power. But I feel like it is a whole new category of surrender to only pray for these things.

What no new job? What about the raise? My friend’s brother’s uncle’s cousin’s illness? The winter to be short and warm? The rain to come in due season? World peace? The orphans in every third world country there is and the ones who live in our very city? What? don’t pray for them?

I don’t believe the wording is meant at all to imply we don’t pray for others though I do believe the most powerful prayer we could pray over them would be similar to the one we begin to pray for ourselves.

God, I am all Yours. Please reveal Your will to me. Your power is made perfect in my weakness. May I operate solely in Your power. I am Yours.

I believe the theme of this prayer can be prayed in every area of my life. God, I know I would like a new job (actually I love mine), but show me the job You have for me. Give me the power to choose that. Daddy, so-and-so is sick. Help us use this time to all draw closer to You. We know we want them to stay with us awhile longer; but if it is Your will to take them home, could we experience You in it? Could we all get to know You more? Will You please demonstrate Your power in our lives?

I find step eleven/principle seven a truly challenging endeavor.

As I sit here contemplating if there is anything else I have to say, I think about how sometimes God has to take a lot of things away from me before I realize my fulfillment is in Him. He seemed to tell me that this morning as both Priscilla and Beth reminded me that some things just have to be cut out of our lives. Sometimes for other things to begin, some things have to end. I needed the reminder desperately. God knows so much better than me what is toxic in my life. I need to trust Him.

I have long thought to say Christ is merely enough for me is almost insulting. Christ is more than sufficient to meet every single need I have. Should I sin 1,000,000 times more than I do now, have or will, His death would still be sufficient in payment for my debt.

Christ isn’t just enough. He is an abundance. Now if only I could believe in my heart and demonstrate in my day-to-day living what I can so easily claim with an intellectual doctrine and post to my blog.

Christ is enough for me. The only Source for all my fulfillment.

Where do you look for fulfillment in your life? What is the desire of your heart? Do your prayers center on God’s will or your own?


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