Ugh, rough day. Well, not entirely rough. Not like my days used to be rough. I didn’t want to drink. I didn’t want to pursue other former addictions, but I did get surprisingly emotional once. I also realized I may be about to have another go-around struggling with depression. Life transitions. A great time for fear and fear to set in. I was going to say fear and depression, but I think it is fear that makes me depressed.
Writing all that is making me feel all emotional in a soppy way because it is reminding me how much less bad my fear was today than it used to be. True, it is hard to wake up in the morning and have nothing to do all day but work from home. Actually, today I was supposed to rest and have a sabbath. I ended up “resting” by sitting on my bed and doing whatever I wanted for CR on my computer. I got a lot of work done! I always do when there is no work scheduled. I do feel much more rested, too.
I am really having a hard time with not going back to my one job in the new year. I know I made the right decision. I know I am still the backup sitter and will see the children, but Tuesdays and Wednesdays will never be the same. Also I have learned routine is what keeps me from feeling aimless as a freelancer. I have one job that is on a regular schedule now. It is hard to feel purpose without a schedule. I know my purpose is to bring glory to God, yada yada yada. But I feel much more purposeful about my purpose when I have a schedule! Oh, well, I guess I will know what happens in January in January. I cannot know until January. I probably won’t know until January 31st. How delightful.
The odd part is I don’t even know if it would matter if I had a million dollars in the bank on how I feel about not knowing. I am not sure my restlessness is caused by fear of financial failure anymore. I have this weird thing where I tie my value about work I do to whether I get paid for it. I do not do it near like I used to. Being a trainer helped me with that because some sessions you get paid nothing for, some minimum wage, and some you get a hundred bucks; but if you don’t do them all well, you won’t be successful. I do life mostly like that now. Not thinking about what I get from where, but just figuring everything will all even out in the end. Something about giving up my most stable job is rocking my routine and security. I am going to get to learn to trust God on a deeper level.
I also just realized I am struggling right now because no one in my life needs me anymore. It was my one job where I was actually needed. Okay, I know I am a little codependent, but it is nice for all humans to feel needed, right? I “need” to show up on Sundays at CR, but there it is my job to the best of my ability to create an environment where no one needs me.
I suppose this is why people have pets. I can’t afford a pet. I could adopt an orphan, but even orphans don’t need me. Someone else would adopt them if I didn’t. I guess no matter what happens in January, God is going to help me learn to not be needed. Odd to only hold roles where one can be replaced. I suppose that is the benefit of having a nuclear family, one is irreplaceable.
It is weird to be free to leave. Nothing binds me here but love. Love used to be what made me run away. Now it is why I choose to stay.
For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image. – 2 Corinthians 3:17-18