Wow! I just had a revelation! Hopefully it sticks. I just got off the phone with someone. You ever have that moment when someone is giving you very open-ended advice filled with all kinds of “I don’t know if it is this way in your situation” and all you want to do is wait for them to finish talking so you can rip into them? I so just did that. But there was something really, really good that came out of it.
Because I have experienced a life in which I am used to people who are close to me, particularly males, trying to manipulate me in certain ways, I was feeling really mistreated by someone who is clueless to how I was feeling on the inside or at least why I was feeling that way. Clueless that I was feeling abused and manipulated like in so much of my past. They are two such different situations and people! Oh, I am so glad to get that out of my heart and off my chest! Oh to live life free!!!
I have been super crabby the last few days. Probably because of the gunk in my heart. I also have a slight cold. I also have been trying to sort through/submit to some directions I feel God is calling me in. That makes me crabby. Sometimes sacrifice makes me crabby. Though I am still of the opinion I cannot out give God, and when I sacrifice He just gives me more than I had before. ‘Course, sometimes it is different things. I.e. I give away money; I get peace. I give away time; I get a servant’s heart.
I am so thankful I feel so much cleaner and freer from my past than I did two hours ago. This weight has lifted. I am not a child. I am no longer voiceless. I am no longer powerless. I am no longer with protection. I am no longer a victim. I have become loved. I still do not understand it. Three quarters of the time I do not believe it.
All the poor and powerless. And all the lost and lonely. All the thieves will come confess and know that He is holy.
One more chain that bound me is broken. I have been processing so much these last few weeks. Between preparing to lead my first step study and working through things I didn’t even know I had never confessed to anyone. They were just always there. They just seem so much sicker out loud. My counselor asked me Monday, “You don’t remember a first time?” No, I don’t. My life has never been without this. It was always a part. It was always an expectation.
I have a friend who says if all you have ever eaten is Cheerios, then Cheerios will be your favorite cereal. I never even knew how sick it all was. It was all I had ever known.
I am free. I never have to go back there. Never. Never. I can forgive. I can let it all go. I don’t have to be her anymore. I can be free. All I have to do is let go of the pain. I can let God find justice. I do not always have to see my abusers in the men around me. I can see new people. I can let go of all those old ones.
She whom the Son sets free will be free indeed.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.
So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
– Galatians 5:1, 13, 16, 22-23
She whom the Son set free is free indeed.