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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Follow through

I don’t know how people make it through divorce alive. I have no thick skin. When it comes to people who are supposed to love me ripping into me with their words, it feels like I have no protection. I know I do. There is that whole helmet of salvation, shield of righteousness, belt of truth thing. Words cut so badly. I do not know how people make it.

So I found myself crying uncontrollably on my kitchen floor this evening. Sin is a bitch; pain is worse; and if someone can tell me how to quit feeling this pain, I will pay them good money. Well, I don’t have money; but if I did have money, I would pay them. Sin is a bitch.

I was having such a good day. Perhaps its very goodness is why it is finishing so badly. My heart still feels like there is a knife in it. If I could just erase words from my memory, it would be so much easier to release the pain and forgive. I keep remembering God is just. I even believe it. I even no longer wish ill will on those who hurt me, but that does not take away the pain.

Well, most of the time I wish on them no ill will. Sometimes I will think something a little like I used to think in those situations. Once I think it, I know I do not even want that little pain for them in any way. The pain hurts the very worse when it comes from people I want to prosper more than I want anyone else on earth to prosper. It is weird to have my heart pierced, while wishing the person piercing it spiritual prosperity.

Love is so strange. I never knew I would ever come to a place where I actually loved. When I walked home from work tonight and actually also on my way to work this afternoon, I paused to admire New Jersey. Jersey: the place I learned to love. I do not want to leave. Ever. Every breath I breathe as I view that skyline feels like a prayer. God, I want to stay. It is my home.

But there is a price for a home. It means I cannot run anymore. It means I must stay. Love compels me. There is a song by the Gaithers about life with Jesus (in CR terminology, recovery). I love the last stanza:

Your kingdom come around and through and in me. // Your power and glory let them shine through me. // Your hallowed name – oh may I bear with honor. // and may Your living kingdom come in me. // The Bread of Life – oh may I share with honor. // And may You feed a hungry world through me.

Oh, whoops. Transcribed the wrong verse. That one is good, but this is the one I intended:

I then shall live as one who has learned compassion. // I’ve been so loved that I’ll risk loving, too. // I know how fear builds walls instead of bridges. // I’ll dare to see another’s point of view. // And when relationships demand commitment, then I’ll be there to care and follow through.

That song is still the best recovery song I know. Now if someone could make it young and modern, we could sing it at our CR. Sigh.

And when relationships demand commitment, then I’ll be there to care and follow through.

There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. – John 15:13

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