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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Follow: how will I continue yet I would never dream of quitting

Sometimes I really regret my decisions. Sometimes I am entirely confused by my life. Today is definitely one of those days. I am swimming in a sea of not knowing what is God and what is not. I am struggling to remember the road isn’t supposed to be easy, and He never promised that there would always seem to be a point to it. Sometimes the way might seem entirely and utterly pointless. Sometimes all we would feel is pain.

There are so many endeavors that I would not have had the courage to follow God in over the last five years if I had known how painful the way would be. If I had known God using me in some contexts would be something that I would never receive credit for and often I would not even be acknowledged as being used in at all, I don’t know if I would have even started. I would have been too proud and selfish to do so.

As I look back, I like to think I would have. I like to think I love Jesus more than I love myself. Occasionally my life does demonstrate this. Often it does not. Often I want to curl up into a ball of self-protection and hide from the world around me.

Sometimes I look at all the pain I have experienced in the last six years of following Him with my whole heart (that I am currently aware of) and I wonder if there has been any fruit. Does anyone hear me? Have I ever impacted your life? Does reading this ever make you think about a next step in your journey? Or do you just think I am crazy?

This blog has been one of the many things in my life that has been so hard. I dare not call it seemingly fruitless though. Perhaps sometimes I think the personal pain I have gone through on account of it is not worth the fruit it has born. Sometimes I think if I am going to hurt, the pain should pay off in a big way. I don’t think the pain ever has – at least not from my current point of view.

Today I didn’t want to write this. I didn’t want to tell you that I am struggling deeply with whether I am going to stay in the battle on many things God has called me to love. I am. I am not seeking to unfollow God like I was a few months ago. I am just in the midst of severe pain about how hard not quitting can be.

A few weeks ago, my pastor challenged us to pick one thing to focus on this summer that we had given up as hopeless and to focus on winning God’s way in that area. (Serious paraphrasing going on here.) First let me tell you that I entirely agree with his advice. Choosing one thing is an excellent idea. Second let me tell you that in dinner group that week when I was supposed to share what I had chosen. I only had one thing to share: My whole life is a war right now. To the best of my knowledge, I haven’t given up on any of it. If I quit fighting in the war on all but one front, I will be gone within moments. The fight is real. I can’t focus on one area. It’s not optional.

I need courage and encouragement right now. I need to know there will be another side to all this pain. At some point this week I read the verse that says, “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.” I just want to know that I will see His goodness here and not just on the other side of my physical death. I want to know that someday I will see fruit for all the sowing of seed that I have done. For all my talking about not worrying about tomorrow, I sow a lot of seed. I shouldn’t worry about tomorrow, but I should sow a lot of seed.

I would like to spend the rest of my life sowing seed; but someday on earth, I also want to reap a harvest.

“Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.” Psalm 126:5

Do you ever feel like the needed breakthrough will never come? What is your strategy for not quitting when the way seems darker than you can bear? How do you not unfollow? (I have lots of people around me who ask me annoying questions like, “What is God telling you to do?” or “I don’t hear God in this idea. Where is your discernment?”)

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