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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

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I am waiting for my internet to decide whether it is going to work tonight. I just had the weirdest thought, “I would rather be outside walking in the cold than waiting here.” I suppose I would. Ah, I can switch to the internet; it decided to work, slowly.

Weird things happened to me today. On my way to my second job, I started thanking God for counting me worthy to suffer for Him. I do not think I have ever done that before. I have been thinking about step 12 recently. “Blessed are you when you are persecuted for my sake.” These thoughts partly inspired my genuine thankfulness. So did the cold weather. I do not like cold weather. All the walking I will be doing in it this winter will be a sacrifice I make to follow Him. I love Him.

Oddly enough, I felt genuine thankfulness and privilege to suffer for Jesus as I praised God. I think “praised” is so overused it has lost its meaning on me. I have been using adored in my own thoughts. For so much of my life I desperately wanted to serve God and didn’t know I could. I thought there was no way I could ever possibly get into that elite group of people who did cool things for Him and had an amazing story to tell. I desperately believed God could not forget about me when I wanted Him so badly, but I didn’t believe I could be “in”. It turns out all one has to do to be “in” is to follow Jesus, to be a disciple. To not just read it and decide to believe whatever I want to about it, but to let His words change my worldview.

It was so cool to be so incredibly thankful to suffer for the sake of His kingdom and His name. I even went out on a limb and told God I wanted to suffer with Jesus. I have no idea what got into me. Never before have I done something like this; but still tonight, I want to suffer with Him.

At small group tonight we talked about our misperceptions of God and how we could see the Father by seeing Jesus. I realized I think of God as someone who would blap me if it wouldn’t be for Jesus. Now spellcheck says that is not a word. Why didn’t my small group girls tell me that earlier? That some part of Him is standing in heaven looking at me shaking His head and saying, “Boy, but if it wouldn’t be for Jesus, you would be toast.” and Jesus is up there going, “No, no, don’t you remember? I got her covered. Remember I died? That most awful day in both our lives? I died for her.” Well, we made up the last part at small group, but it is a bit true to my view. I think because of all the analogies of God seeing the cross and seeing Jesus when He looks at us, I have retained a bit of my judgmental God picture.

But it is true. Over the last few months I have been having a conversation about rights. Do I have rights? I do not believe I have rights of any kind. Then I asked a pastoral figure in my life if we have a right to justice, and he thought we did. I didn’t, so I thought about it. This was during the convo I was having about my horrible sins a few weeks ago. Thinking of the dreadful person I used to be, I decided I had no rights before I put my faith in Jesus. I was rotten. All I deserved was hell. Then I realized I did apparently have a right to justice. That would be justice without my Jesus. Hell – eternal separation from God. Now someday I will have heaven. Someday I will not only be fully known by Him, but I will fully know Him.

Yeah, without Jesus God should blap me. Not because He is angry or a God of hate, but because my unloving acts towards His creation and Himself demanded justice. All those people I hurt deserved justice, so He died for me, so they could have it. That is cool.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. – I Corinthians 13:12

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