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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Fighting back

It was my first day being done with the holidays. I am just sad. I don’t want to go back to work yet. At the same time, I know it is time. It is not good to rest so much one becomes bored. Boredom is not restful. Having said that, I wish the whole relaxing thing was going to last another month. I don’t want to go back to the treadmill. I am tired. It is kind of time to re-get going just a little bit.

I actually went to battle against bitterness today. I am just sick of it. I am tired of ruining my life being angry at people who probably don’t even care that I am angry. And it is not me being all hyper-defensive. It is actually likely just true. Some of them probably don’t even know, so they couldn’t care. Anyways, I don’t know how to let it go. But I feel like the first step must be to be whole-heartedly sick of it. So I have made the first step. I am just tired of being Jonah. I am tired of not letting God change this part of my character. I am tired of meditating over why I am mad at people. I am tired of not being a person who just lets things go.

Literally I just took a minute to rant at someone in my brain. I need to let it go, and I don’t know how. I don’t know how to not want to seek revenge. Honestly, I know my heart better than anyone except Jesus, and I can’t believe how bad I have left it become or how bad it is. My anger stinks in the eyes of me, not just in the eyes of God.

My counselor gave me some steps to take to control anger last time I was there. If only I could remember what they were. I remember the first one, which is wonderful and all; but I can’t remember a complete version of steps two and three. I remember it was supposed to be simple to remember which is why I didn’t write them down. Not very helpful. The first step is a little helpful, but not very.

Now I am off to bed. Vacation can’t be over. It is only 9, and I am exhausted.

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. – Ephesians 4:26-27


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