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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Fight: Why can’t I just let God win?

I think I spend way too much of my time fighting with God. There was a time in my life when I seemed to spend much less time fighting with Him. Back then I basically ignored what He had to say or explained it away, but these days I argue with Him about it before finally submitting (hopefully) to His will. The good news is I submit to God much quicker than I did a year ago. The bad news is refusing to submit to God is taking more of my energy than is reasonable. I cannot help but imagine I would get twice as much done in my life if only I just quit pushing away responsibility, change (the next step He is asking me to take) and submission (which is probably being redundant).

I long for the day when I am spiritually mature enough to fight with God less. Now don’t get me wrong, I think it is really important to be honest with God about the way I really feel. Trying to hide who I am from God is entirely futile, a waste of energy and entirely counterproductive to my spiritual growth; but I will be so relieved when I reach the day when I can say, “Yes, Dad, I trust you. Let me go do that now.”

Instead often fear characterizes my life. Oh, it comes out in different ways. Sometimes I say, “I could never do that! I am much too young.” Other times, I look at my broken past and remind God He shouldn’t have too high of expectations of me. Just look at my history! Sometimes I remind Him what others have done to me. Other times I remind Him what I have done to others. Often I just think I need whatever it is He is trying to get me to give up. I don’t trust life will be better without it.

Whatever the reason for my fear, it doesn’t come from the identity I have in Him.

Jesus said unless we become like little children, we couldn’t enter the kingdom of God. Some days I throw a fit when, like a wise father, He takes away one of my toys that will hurt me. Eventually, I learn my life really is better without the toy and I calm down. I become content without that money, addictive behavior, pattern of bitterness, whatever it is that I was using to escape my pain and any boredom I may have been experiencing within my human existence.

Speaking of acting like a small child, I have noticed a positive pattern of behavior in my spiritual growth. I became a Christian almost eleven years ago. When I first decided to serve God, I didn’t know Him very well. He was a far off entity. I treated Him very formally, like a distant acquaintance. I began to learn all kinds of things about how He was a loving Father; but on my end, I treated the relationship much like we were both adults. I didn’t trust Him very much. Mistrust is one of the things that characterizes adults. We have learned what the world is like, and we don’t trust it.

As I have fought with God recently, I have felt like I am throwing a temper tantrum just like a two year old. At some point, I have realized maybe that is actually a positive thing. Maybe it is okay that at some point, I have grown to a place where I can, in a sobby two-year-old voice, say, “But, Daddy, I don’t want to. Whyyyy?” and stick out my lower lip a bit. (Don’t worry, I keep my public prayers much more formal than that.)

One of the oxymorons of following Jesus must be that as we spiritually mature, we actually start to act more like small children.

We begin to trust our heavenly Father to meet all our needs – physical, emotional, spiritual. We actually learn that He is all we need.

I think another key element is His healing our wounds. As He heals the many wounds sin has inflicted on us, we become more like little children, like we were before life banged us up so badly. Maybe that is just a theory of mine, but as I have been through this healing process, I find myself considering taking steps of trust and thinking, “Oh, like how a kid feels before they learn being themselves isn’t safe.”

Learning to trust God (healing) is making this world a safe place for me to be again.

Don’t get me wrong, I am going to get hurt a lot during the rest of my life. So will you. But if I remain in Him, I am eternally protected. If I stand in my God-given position as His daughter, I am safe. There are going to be reasons to cry on Earth. It’s Earth. But I have eternal security.

I can risk loving again.

How did this go from a conversation about fighting with God to my identity in Christ and risking loving the people around me?

Probably because that is one of the things I have argued with God about for a long time. Not verbally. I wouldn’t be so foolish as to say aloud, “I am not Your daughter. I like being worthless. I like wreaking of Earth.”

Even writing that makes me shudder, but it is what I am working on with my counselor right now. What makes me so afraid of stepping into my identity in Him? Why am I so afraid of being inherently valuable? Why does knowing I am made in the image of God make me tremble? Why would I rather focus on how being on Earth has damaged me?

So far only one answer has come to my mind. It is probably not the right one, but it is all I can come up with right now:

Because it makes me responsible.

I wonder if that is also the basis for many of my fights with God. I don’t want to be responsible for acting like I have the Spirit of the Most High God in me. I don’t want to be responsible to do good. I don’t want to be responsible to live a powerful life for Jesus Christ. I don’t want to be responsible for my sin.

I don’t want to have to respond to the knowledge I am inherently valuable. I am a treasured daughter of the most powerful force in the universe. I am protected. Fear prevents me from living a life responding to the FACT that nothing will ever separate me from His love. Fear steals my opportunity to live a powerful life.

Oh, how I long for the day I quit fighting God!

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18

Does your relationship with God resemble one between a young child and a compassionate father? Do you find yourself fighting God’s perfect plan for your life or throwing tantrums when He takes away one of your “toys”?

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