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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Fight: I’m trading in my weapons now

I’m trading in my weapons. The battle is about to change. I need something new because what I have been using hasn’t been working very well at all. It is time to fight. The war isn’t over. It’s just changing. I’m going to dig in my heals and fight like I have never fought before. Or perhaps all I will do is stand and watch my Lord fight for me.

Over the course of my entire spiritual journey, I have often found myself fighting with the wrong weapons. Doing my best to win the fight and experience freedom while using all the wrong tools. I have been watching “Worst Cooks in America” the last few weeks. It is a show that lives up to its title. Sometimes I fight like these cooks cook. I end up trying to use a butcher knife to peel my carrots, and then I wonder why I slice my finger.

I had one of those really embarrassing moments recently. It really is only embarrassing because I am telling you about it. Otherwise, who else would know? I was walking across a pair of railroad tracks when it happened.

By this pair of railroad tracks is a garbage can. A kind of ironic reminder of how life was when I first moved to Jersey nearly four years ago. Back then I believed God loved me more than I ever believed it before. I actually knew He was my only hope. I had screwed up my life so much that if He wasn’t the answer, then nothing was. I used to think I was entirely useless as far as God ever using me was concerned. That is why I surrendered completely to Him when I came to Jersey – because I didn’t think He was going to ask me to do anything scary or grand or risky anyway. As far as my spiritual life was concerned, I felt like an aborted baby a careless mother abandoned to that trash can by the railroad tracks. My life was over before it ever had a chance to really begin.

It is odd how God was finally able to use me when I came to the end of the idea that I had anything to give. I had nothing to give but myself. He seems to think that is plenty to work with. I retell this story because I am in complete awe how much He has changed me and chosen to work through me in these last four years. He really can redeem anything. I am living proof.

This embarrassing moment happened when I was crossing these railroad tracks. I was having a conversation with Him. See, a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I had been fighting a war with the wrong weapons. In the battle for the Kingdom, I was trying to use bitterness, anger, greed and self-protection to win. The motivation for my most recent bout of anger, fear and bitterness had been removed.

As I walked across those tracks, I wondered what I would do with the excess energy. What in heaven’s name would I do now that I felt so alive? What could possibly use up all my energy?

With some fear, I brought the problem to Him. Our conversation sounded quite like this: “What will motivate me? What will keep me going? What will drive me? I have always been a fighter. I have had to be. I needed to survive. What will I use to keep me fighting now?”

And He answered me. “Have you considered using the fruit of the Spirit as your weapons? You know, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control? Do you think you might win more if you used these?”

Honestly, that concept seemed really foreign to me. Not intellectually. I know all kinds of things intellectually, but it was foreign practically.

You want me to do what? I am going to fight with joy? Are You sure? So when I start getting mad again, I am going to leave vengeance to You and live by the Spirit instead? God, do You know my track record on that?

The battle in my life is changing. I am not laying down weapons. I am trading them in. Jesus can have all my bitterness, anger and fear. If I am going to fight in His war, I should use the weapons He gives me especially if I plan on winning.

I wish I could tell you I experienced no bitterness, anger or fear since that conversation with God; but I am not that mature. However, I have determined not to replace my old motivation for these feelings with a new one. So many times this has been the story of my life. I don’t know how to function in freedom; so instead of learning how to do so, I go looking for more bondage.

I am trading in my weapons now. I want to fight with love because when I do, I know that I will be fighting against the real enemy instead of shooting myself in the foot, poisoning my own food and shooting my friends’ feet too.

Do you ever find yourself on the wrong side of the battle? When you get in an argument, do you sometimes find yourself trying to prove you are right instead of trying to love the other person?

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