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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Feels like pain

I have a crazy life. I am tired. It was a bad-ish day. I have really gotten into saying “ish” haven’t I? There was some redeeming value to it. I feel like I am moving forward towards something. I am going through it versus being stuck in it. That is a good thing. Who wants to be stuck? I think moving forward in my recovery is going to make me have to work through another layer of fear. So be it.

Some days I think if perfect love casts out fear, then I should not have to go through this. I am clearly doing something wrong. But I do not think I am. I mean I do a lot of things wrong and screw up all along the way. I am sure I do lots of things wrong, but I am not sure fear magically goes away. At least it has not for me.

Because when I open my heart and feel love for the first time, then it feels like pain. Love opens pain. I think because love raises what was dead to life. Coming to life hurts. It reminds me I was dead. Learning to trust hurts. It reminds me I have been wounded, so very, very wounded. It is hard to not fear the pain of love and vulnerability. What I am processing right now is absolutely ridiculous. That is using ridiculous in the context of “huge” not “absurd” though it might be a little bit of both.

People I know I can trust strike fear in my heart. The weirdest part is there are two parts of me now in the moment. It used to be in my fear there was only the afraid part of me. Now it is like the other part of me (the part that trusts) steps back and watches what the afraid me does in these situations. Sometimes it is like there are two of me in these situations. You know I am tired; but after writing that, I think I should talk to my counselor. But the other part of me that is watching is patient. She is willing the scared me to trust, to face her fears and let them be overcome.

I think perfect love does cast out fear. I am fully convinced of it. But I guess during the casting out process I feel it. I do not know. I am not God, and I am not a counselor. I am merely a follower of God and a counselee. What a privilege to be a follower of God!

Today someone challenged me with whether it is about me or Jesus Christ. I remember a long, long time ago, I just wanted two things written on my grave stone. I forget one of them, but I wanted the other to be “She was teachable.” Right now, my last wishes are to be cremated, so I suppose there will not be a gravestone. I think now I would want it to say, “He loved her.” What if I was the disciple Jesus loved? I love John’s assurance of His love.

This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister. – I John 4:13-21


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