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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Fear and trembling

If our God is for us, who could ever stop us? My day ends on such an amazing high. It wasn’t the most amazing high most of the day. In fact, I struggled. I struggled most of the day. I just felt spiritually beat up. I don’t know how else to describe it. Like something was off and my connection with God was rough.

Then I am dealing with so many things in January. January seems to be the month when people want to stretch and grow me. It seems to be a month when I am going to have to learn to have a stronger voice. Stick up for myself a bit more.

I am hoping to write again in January. I don’t know if I will have much opportunity. I should have. I am stressing over it. I know if I do such a thing, I need to get a lot closer to God. I cannot write what I am attempting to write when I am spiritually vulnerable. I need to surround myself with His presence. I need to get rooted in Him. I need x time.

I used to be one of those people who made the Bible a trivia book and I knew all these things it said. Lately I have just become confused about what it actually says. For example, there are these people speaking into my life who are stuck on “You have a birthright when you are born again. You have a right to certain things.” I say back, “Yeah, I know. I have a position as His daughter. In this position, I am a servant. All kinds of things come with this. Blessed are those who mourn. Blessed are the poor in spirit. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are the persecuted.” Me and these people never seem to see what Jesus says the same way.

I have started to approach the Bible a bit warily with a decent amount of fear and trembling. I am almost afraid to read it. Okay, God, what does it actually say? During the last three life-transforming years of my life, did I get the wrong message? Because it is this servant/obedience thing that has changed my life. I don’t want to go back to learning who I am instead of who He is. Who He is has changed my life.

I figure my favorite book – all the books of John – should be a great start for this research. So far all the things Jesus is telling me is “if I love Him, I will obey Him.” The sermon on the mount also has a pretty humbling vibe and is full of tough things to obey. Anyway, I feel like I am approaching this book in a whole new way. I want to believe what it says completely, especially all the hard parts. All the hard parts are what changed my life. I am quite skeptical that I will find anything in it to encourage me to show up at heaven’s door and tell God what I deserve instead of falling flat on my face before Him in fear and adoration. But I am going to read it again afresh, just in case.

Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ has become a child of God. And everyone who loves the Father loves his children, too. We know we love God’s children if we love God and obey his commandments. Loving God means keeping his commandments, and his commandments are not burdensome. For every child of God defeats this evil world, and we achieve this victory through our faith. And who can win this battle against the world? Only those who believe that Jesus is the Son of God. – I John 5:1-5


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