Powerless. This week’s step study is about how I am powerless. I do not want to be powerless. I want to be mighty. I want to be all-knowing. I want to be someone who can earn her own worth. I am not.
If you have read my blog for more than one day, you know I struggle with continuing to be transparent. Each day is as hard as the last. I have heard some people say once you step into transparency, you will never want to step out of it. That is not my personal experience. To me, exposing my sin and pride hurts. It is helpful, but it hurts.
Today was no exception to the rule. In fact, my pride was hurt so badly I nearly felt physical pain. Oddly, unless I confessed it to you now. Very few people would have to know. Why do I torture myself with these confessions? Because I committed to telling a person who is thinking about going through CR what the journey is like. This is what he or she needs to know about my day. Some days I have days when this journey is really hard.
I have an issue with pride. I like to think I know a lot. I have usually been one of the smartest people in a classroom if only grades counted. I love Biblical trivia. I love thinking I know things about the Bible. I love thinking I have the answers to life’s questions. I love delaying getting to this point.This point hits too close to home.
I am in this class at school and we are reading through Christ + City. I like the book, but Chapter 3 hit close to home. It was simply about using Scripture to pray and particularly using the Psalms. That put me in a bad mood. What is it with the Psalms? Everyone loves them. They are so comforting. They are beautiful. They eloquently praise His Holy Name!
I am so glad you think so, but why does my mind wander every time I read them? Why do I never turned to the Psalms for comfort? Why when mentors or counselors advise me to read through the Psalms do I want to snore? And why when I valiantly try to do so, do I always wonder what is wrong with me? What is wrong with me?
I tried really hard to find something wrong with that chapter when I wrote my response on our online forum. Really, it was not that hard for me. I was pretty annoyed. I just ended up making myself look stupid. When kindly called out by a classmate about the holes in my argument, I became pretty upset and insecure. Insecure about the information I did not know.
As I contemplated my original critic of the chapter, my classmate’s response and my reaction to his response, I realized the root issue was not the information I did not know or the opinion I stated. The real issue was my attitude about the situation from the beginning. The real issue was when I started to be shown a weakness, I chose to find fault in someone else instead of bravely looking in the mirror.
As I walked home, I realized this is one of those times I need to embrace feeling small. I wondered how one actually does this. So I asked Him to show me a way I might.
I thought about Job. I may not have any understanding how people love the Psalms so much, but I love the book of Job. After Job spent several chapters arguing his innocence before God, God had some questions for him. After praying for a way to embrace being small, some questions came to my mind.
Did you create the universe? Did you create anything? Can you see the East from the West? Can you see the eternal timeline? Do you know what God’s plans are? Did you write the Bible? Do you even know a book of the Bible by heart? Do you know a lot of Greek or Hebrew history? Have you bothered to study a lot of context outside of reading the Book itself?
So I answered Him, “No.” I wondered how I ever thought I would be an expert on anything. I am an insignificant dot on an eternal timeline. Valuable only because He chose to come and bleed and die for me. I want to learn to embrace it.
Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:
Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone— while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
Job 38:2-7
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