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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Faith

I am tired. Being paid to read while parents date makes one tired. It is the world’s easiest work. I have no explanation for it. Though I suppose I would be in bed right now if I was given the opportunity and at home. Today was a fairly good day. I did avoid certain of my issues. I just decided to compartmentalize and block. I do not think it is healthy, and I don’t recommend it. It is just what I am doing right now to survive.

I don’t understand my life right now. I have no idea how I will grow to continue functioning through the next few weeks. How did I get to a place where I have to face one of my deepest fears: being loved, particularly by men?

I took a class on Romans today. A very good class. I don’t mind Romans. I used to not like it so much. People have so abused its gospel message in my past. Recently I re-engaged chapter 1. There was a time in my life when I was sure the list of pagan sins did not apply to me. I thought those people were surely evil. But I did not fit the description of the self-righteous person in chapter 2 either. At least not in my opinion. I was creation’s gift to God. Nearly perfect without Him. When I read the first chapter a few weeks ago, I decided to do the math and count. I am apparently guilty of 26 of 30 of the sins listed. One is men sleeping with men. Well, I cannot do that. I am probably in denial about the other three. Romans is much easier to understand when one understands where one used to fit in the first couple chapters.

We talked about how the first few chapters explain how before Christ we are all on the same playing field: we have zero righteousness. I found it oddly comforting. Having CR be such a big part of my life often makes me feel weaker than those around me. More messed up, at least more visibly so. I suppose it is something I already knew, I just got to reknow it today. It is so comforting to have it be so in my face that I cannot pay for even one of my sins. I need Jesus for all of it.

We talked about the importance of faith. We only get credit for what comes from faith. Pretty crazy concept. Pretty intimidating. Sure does challenge me to want to live by faith.

Sure do love my God.

Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace? Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it? Or have you forgotten that when we were joined with Christ Jesus in baptism, we joined him in his death? For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives. – Romans 6:1-4

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