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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Facing reality

Today was the first really, really good day I have had in recovery for a long time. Oh, quick update on the bed: I have been sleeping like a brick after the first two nights. Still a bit weird to get into. Still weird to think about. But sleeping like a baby. Love it! So why was today good?

Today CR was nothing about rules. It really never has been. We do not tell people what they should or should not do at CR. They define that for themselves. Today was about starting to face hard things.

I was eating lunch this afternoon when I started to shake uncontrollably. I do this sometimes. Not generally without having something to cause it. I decided I better start facing a few things. My babies were sleeping, so I grabbed my notebook and went to the livingroom and started my third inventory. I only managed to get a quarter of the way through one name. It really stuck me. I reached out to someone for insight into the process. By the end of that conversation I was shaking uncontrollably and crying just a bit. So about that time, my babies woke up and I was able to put it down until later. In spite of the crying and shaking, I got up with a lot of joy.

Facing who I am is not easy. It is really, really hard. I think it is harder than facing all the things that happened to me. At least time has created a distance there. When I think about and try to process how I currently treat people, I find it a bit appalling. I begin to get stuck in a cycle of embarrassment and guilt. Embarrassed I have not overcome more by now. That I am not more capable. I am often frustrated that I am not better by now. Frustration, according to John Baker, is a symptom I am trying to play God.

I should be celebrating where I am at. I am thankful I am now able to live a life where I have a bed and have no car and am still not running away. That is a miracle for me. I was thinking today about how we need to be sober a year before leading at CR. I had to laugh. Am I sober from running for two years? Because I am still here.

One of my favorite songs for recovery is “I Then Shall Live”. The Gaithers sing it, so clearly not sung in a modern way though I think it is fairly newly composed. The first line is “Then I shall live as one who has been forgiven.” The song then describes what this looks like. I have always liked one of the last lines to the song “And when relationships demand commitment, then I’ll be there to care and follow through.” That is a tough part of recovery for me. I am learning to be committed. Now to learn to actually communicate how I feel to people and allow them to get to know me….

Nothing about this journey is easy, but it is all worth it.

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. – John 13:35


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