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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Experiencing love

Can I go to bed without writing for once? What if I don’t want to tell my story just when it gets good? Or at least less painful?

My story was shared via video in church this morning. I handled the whole situation surprisingly well. I was very sure I would want to crawl under my chair when it was being shown (my normal reaction to seeing myself on film), but instead I was quite fascinated. While I definitely felt vulnerable, I did not feel an urge to run (from the building not the state) for more than a few minutes. I think all those moments were actually before they showed it.

I know a few weeks ago, I referred to love as creepy and a comment by a friend that the creepiness wears off once you get used to it. I think the creepiness is wearing off. It is still odd.

Over the last few hours, I have begun to wonder if I actually will experience love and community on this earth. Which may inspire a “Wait! What?” on your side. “Haven’t you already experienced it? What more do you want people to do for you? They could not do more for you than they already have if they bought you a mansion and gave you a pension for life!”

I do not want them to do anything more for me. I mean I would like them to keep loving me and all, but what I mean is someday maybe I will completely receive it. Maybe it could be really soon. I would like to be less prickly. Less scared. So much less scared. I used to be so much scareder.

The Apostle John says I need to experience more love because perfect love casts out fear. I think John is my favorite apostle because his identity was found in that he was loved by Jesus. I sure wouldn’t mind just thinking of myself as the disciple Jesus loved. He does.

This evening I put a little girl to bed. A sweet little girl. As part of the routine, she got to choose whether I read to her or she read to me. She chose a 65-ish page book for me to read to her. Only the first chapter, of course. As she curled against me on the bed to look at the pictures and I read all 65-ish pages, a feeling filled me.

It was as I read that I wondered if I would actually indeed experience love on this earth. If indeed I would learn how to receive and be part of a community. It seemed more probable than it ever has. I wondered if I could truly embrace being vulnerable and actually being a part of something. I wondered what it would be like to allow myself to fully become a part of the family. I really liked the idea, but it was impossible not to consider how extremely, extremely, extremely vulnerable I would be. So I went downstairs and brushed another little girl’s hair. It is one of my very favorite things to do. It gives me such a sense of belonging.

The wall is not entirely down, but a few more bricks came off it today. I reckon I do keep ducking behind the wall on occasion, but there is not near as much to duck behind as there used to be. Because today I experienced love. People did not love a version of me, but they loved me.

Those who honor me I will honor, but those who despise me will be disdained. – I Samuel 2:30

We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first. – I John 4:16-19


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