I am nearly drunk with weariness tonight if there is such a thing. I may be getting sick. I cannot decide if it is that or a bad case of aching or the side effects of hormones. In any event, I also almost didn’t go to small group this week, but decided that could be the first of many bad decisions regarding my small group attendance and I was only going to lose two hours of sleep by going anyway. So I went anyway. I am really exhausted. Almost too exhausted to remember that experience.
This morning I decided to finally admit it to at least myself. I am having nightmares again. I handle them much different than I used to, but this is at least the second day in a row. I do not really keep track anymore. I would never have really thought too much about it today, except I wanted to record it here because it is definitely a part of my recovery story. I was extra thankful for my morning shower.
I also realized this morning that I have over two months of the holiday season left. Reasonably happy. I am only supposed to be reasonably happy on this earth. Surely God can work a miracle and get me through this holiday season without me completely falling apart.
I also started today off very argumentatively in my head. I think it might have been because of the nightmare though. I do not like to be reminded of such things so early in the morning. It makes it hard to start fresh even with my God time. I love Jesus. He is my provider.
“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” – Matthew 6:25-34
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