Sunday – 12:10 AM
I am tired. I was sad again this morning. I have been fighting it the last few days. I am not sure what is triggering it right now. I know I am a bit overwhelmed by my life. There is something about taking a major amount of work off my plate and still having mountains of work awaiting me, that has me feeling a bit overwhelmed and discouraged.
I did have a great time with a friend today. This evening I babysat and played pretend for more than an hour and a half with a little girl. Somehow pretending my playmate is invisible for an hour straight and talking to chairs and stuffed animals and fish all seems more normal than my actual life. She tried to get me to be the invisible person, but I never was very good at it. Largely because the invisible person’s job was to giggle. I am apparently better at laughing. My giggle didn’t make the cut, so I searched for the invisible, giggling child all night.
About noon today, I had the revelation that if I don’t start spending x time with God again, I am not going to make it. I don’t know how much time x time is, and I don’t know what not making it would look like it. One of those two, I don’t want to find out!
Lazarus and the rich man just won’t go away from my conversation. The starving child in some foreign country just keeps sitting on my doorstep. What am I to do about that? I am already swamped. I sometimes wonder if I keep thinking about this because I want it to be an excuse to live the way I live. I do not live responsibly in the eyes of most of the people I know. The average people. At least this knowledge has intensified this conversation.
I don’t understand why it is okay to place my needs above a child who is 1,000 miles away, but sitting in front of the child, eating freely while the child watches would be wrong. Doesn’t the world know I live in excess? Aren’t they sort of watching?
I keep wondering how I can keep living this way. Then I wonder if He will drop me on my head at some point. Then I wonder why I would ever think He would lie like that. Okay, I pretty much never think He will drop me on my head, but sometimes I do feel short on cash. Then come to reason when I remember it would be absurd to think He would drop me on my head and that by worrying I am thinking that He would drop me on my head.
What if I actually gave everything? What if I literally sought only His kingdom? Is that the way my life is actually most secure? It is the way it feels most secure. Health insurance would be nice, but life sure is simple the way it is now.
Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. – Matthew 6:31-33
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