Mmmm. Life is good. Need I say more?
I wasn’t going to, but I probably should. Today was actually quite hard. This evening has been really good, but last night something snapped in me. I went from being on a great high and well-grounded to struggling with shame, guilt, fear, bitterness. All those feelings bled into today. I finally was able to work through them by talking to someone and connecting the triggers aloud. I seemed to have been able to connect things that needed to be connected. I once again feel grounded and safe. Odd how life is so little about feelings, but it is so important to know how to process them. I want to add especially for people like me.
Maybe it is time to quit thinking I am different than other people. I always think I am a special kind of broken. More broken than anyone else on earth. But in all that thinking of myself that way, I can still listen to a sermon on how without Jesus everyone deserves death and think how it applies to other people, but I on the other hand am fine because I am doing my best. You know my best falls really short of anything even halfway decently good. I wonder why I always forget that? I am always doing my best to put up walls and protect myself. I think my counselor would say from feeling shame. Apparently the human race especially hates feeling shame, and we do all sorts of things to avoid it.
I point the finger a lot. I am working on taking a lot of personal responsibility right now. It is hard to be responsible for my own brokenness, especially when it is so broken. But I am trying. You know trying isn’t what matters. Odd how it has taken me so many years to figure that out. God doesn’t say if I just try to be good, I can be off the hook for being mean to people or being broken in other ways. Trying isn’t good enough. Only believing in Jesus is. Hmmm.
Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen. – I Timothy 1:15-17