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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Either/or

I feel peace tonight. I am glad. I am working on facing a lot of the issues in my life and processing a lot of things regarding SSA. It is a lot of emotional work, but it has been worth it. I got some CR work done this morning. Then I spent a few hours writing before babysitting this evening and then having dinner with a friend. The good part is my life is far from boring.

I actually had a lot of fun writing today. It is the first time that this writing project put me in a good mood instead of making me contemplative or sad. I have been skipping around writing different parts and this has really helped.

I answered the step study inventory questions this morning about how I treated my body. I think I actually answered them honestly for the first time. I am not nice to my body yet. I prioritize it very low. Sometimes it is better, but I still have the side effects of someone who has been abused. I punish my body to punish myself. If I run out of time, my body and how it feels and is taken care of is the first thing that is axed off the agenda. Cut food costs, cut time to rest, cut skin and haircare products, just cut self-respect. My body has been feeling it a little lately.

Oh, and just as a side note since this is my blog on recovery. Still having a lot of nightmares. I woke up angry this morning because of it. Maybe it is an after holiday problem. I had a lot of issues with it last year about this time also.

It really was 100% a “either God is leading me or I am 100% nuts” day. Yeah, I agree with Paul though I will say if I was dead dead when I died, this temporal life would still be worth it if lived for Christ because I sure was miserable living for myself! (But then I live in 21st century America not 1st century Rome, so I get his point.)

But tell me this—since we preach that Christ rose from the dead, why are some of you saying there will be no resurrection of the dead? For if there is no resurrection of the dead, then Christ has not been raised either. And if Christ has not been raised, then all our preaching is useless, and your faith is useless. And we apostles would all be lying about God—for we have said that God raised Christ from the grave. But that can’t be true if there is no resurrection of the dead. And if there is no resurrection of the dead, then Christ has not been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, then your faith is useless and you are still guilty of your sins. In that case, all who have died believing in Christ are lost! And if our hope in Christ is only for this life, we are more to be pitied than anyone in the world. – I Corinthians 15:12-19 NLT

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