Yesterday I got into a conversation with someone not involved in CR and the topic of being dysfunctional came up. I laughed and totally claimed dysfunction. I operate in highly dysfunctional ways. Just ask my counselor. Her brow furrows so amusingly when my stories distress her tender heart. No, I did not see her today. That is next Monday.
I have been working on random schoolwork and leadership things for CR today. Honestly, the admission of being dysfunctional is such a relief. People, I do not have it together. One might say I struggle, or one could just say I have dysfunctional behavior patterns in my life. I do. I really, really, really do. Somehow admitting it in these words has given me great relief. Why pretend?
I thought a lot about denial today. How making excuses or finding reasons for the way I behave means I haven’t made it to step 1 in that area of my life: Admitting I am powerless to do the right thing and my life had become unmanageable. Justifying things is not a step in the right direction. I have a really long story for why I am dysfunctional. I have serious compensations from injuries in my past. They are not a reason for why I act the way I do today. I am the reason. My brokenness is the reason. God isn’t at fault that when I was sinned against, I chose not to trust Him because of what people did. It might be human nature to react to sin with sin; but it isn’t a justifiable reason.
I did fall into arguing with people in my head this morning, but managed to gradually let it go throughout my day. That is unusual for me. Generally, it takes a few days for me to let go of imaginary arguments with people I am apparently mad at.
It really just evaporated when I started to think about the dysfunctional thing tonight. I have no more energy left to pretend. It also might have happened because this afternoon I might have committed to facing one of my greatest vulnerabilities later this week. What is becoming of this world? Of my world, I mean. I cannot believe I am trusting these people with this. Oh, well, if people judge me, so what?
Okay, I might care. I have been working on my codependency issues. My counselor says she hates that word because it is so generic, but all I mean in this instance is there are certain people in my life I have a really hard time being okay emotionally if they are not okay with me. That extremely unhealthy hold I sometimes give people over me. On a scale of 1-10, it is about a 3 now. About four years ago, it was a 10. I am going in the right direction!
OMG! I just got an email. It is the most exciting email I have gotten in months! I actually had to get up and dance around my room before I could finish this. I am going out celebrating!
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. – Philippians 1:6
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