I sat on the pier for about an hour today. While I sat there, I remember thinking I should remember what I was thinking about, so I could record it here. I do not remember what the thoughts to record were though!
It is so amazing to actually believe God can change things. I did not always.
Yes, now I remember what one of the things I talked to God about today was. My socioeconomic status. Because of my unique ministry position in my unique town, I get to interact regularly with people on both sides of the track. Extremely oddly enough, I think both groups of people think I belong to them. Maybe I just think I belong to both groups of people and I project my thoughts onto them.
Today I had a slip of envy though. I have been struggling with it for a few days. Sometimes it is hard to make 5-10 less than all one’s friends. Okay, not literally all my friends. Some make less than I do. I don’t really get mad at my friends. I get mad at God. I get mad at Him because briefly I will wish He called me to a life with a paycheck. One where I made enough to have extras. To not eat so many beans and rice. Some days, days like today, I pray before my meal for God to make it taste incredible and for me to be thankful and satisfied by it. That it will be enough to quench my hunger.
I know my socioeconomic status is really important in how people can relate to me. I would not give up my experiences on the shaky side of financially stability for the world. “Poverty” has taught me so much about God’s provision. Living with nothing are the only times in my life when I have been content. Every time I have something, I just want more anyway.
Okay, who am I kidding? I definitely am still struggling with this. Yes, I do not want what I think I want. I know that! I am perfectly content with my life. I don’t want any other life….except sometimes when I look at my neighbors. It gets hard for me during times like this to not walk between the skyrises and think about how I could have a real job and live in one of them.
I do not actually want any of that, but a small part of the old me does. A part of my flesh would like to have money for a hobby again. A small part of me would like to give more to a kid in India. A small part of me has leverage-envy. Why did God give me so little to leverage financially? It seems categorically unfair? When I have so little is giving everything even enough?
I shouldn’t have wrote about this. I have made myself sad again. Are my time and talents really enough to outweigh my lack of treasure? I would not trade my life for the world. But sometimes I just want to walk down the aisle of a grocery store and not buy the cheapest everything. When I was in the grocery store the other day, I saw Honeycrisp apples. I remembered a day when I actually bought them. Years ago, I put them in my cart without batting an eye at their price. Will I ever eat a Honeycrisp apple purchased with my own money again? Sometimes, it sucks to be poor.
At this point, could I convince you I am really thankful for all the other amazing things God is doing in my life this week? Believe me, I am. Soon, I will be okay with being where I am again. I am talking to God about it because I do not like being discontented.
I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. – Philippians 4:10-13