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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Definitely changing

I woke up really excited today. It was like my first feeling, which is weird. I was really tired though. It was like 5:45, but the dog I was dog sitting kept whining. I couldn’t figure out exactly what she wanted. After I got up and went back to bed three or four times in an attempt to appease her desires, I got up and stayed up. Apparently God wanted me to spend an enormous amount of time with Him before church this morning. Way to go, God, use the dog.

I did receive an email this morning that further contributed to my cheerfulness, though honestly I never opened the email until about 5 pm. I am slowly learning in recovery to just not make myself do things I am not ready to do until I am ready to do them. I have found this actually helps me grow faster because I feel safe. I was excited to not have any triggers tripped when I finally did open the email. It is always a celebration for me when something doesn’t trigger me that I think will.

I had an amends type of conversation today. Even a planned one. What I learn more and more along this “road to recovery” is that I should have just done this sooner. Some of these conversations are crazy scary, some not so much, but always they quit draining me of energy. Sometimes, not today, transparency makes the relationship less comfortable though.

As I was sorting through a box of old papers tonight, I came across a series of notes I had taken on some messages at church from about 21 months ago. One of them was to the first message of a series on “No Regrets”. It was basically a series on how to make good life decisions, but the first message was one on a godly worldview of regret. In the message, the pastor talked about two popular fallacies. “You only regret things you do not do” and “I am glad I made bad choices because it made me the person I am today and now I can help people who are making the same bad choices.” He then proceeded to explain we should regret things that nailed Jesus to the cross. “Bad decisions never lead to a better life.”

I got all emotional looking at those notes. It was the first sermon that changed my life at my current church. For the first time in my life, I felt someone give me the freedom to regret my sin. It seemed to me before that everyone around me was just so busy being glad they had sinned so they could help others. I essentially felt guilty for wishing I had not sinned. I went all the way with reminiscing and found the message on iTunes and listened to it.

A year and a half at CR definitely has changed my worldview. As I listened to the message this time, I realized I cannot truly repent from sin I do not regret. How can I have truly aligned my heart with God’s if I say I am glad I looked at porn? If I say I am glad I worshiped idols willingly and willfully for years? If I say I am glad I hurt people?

Two last thoughts. It is a holiday today. I never forgot it. I made all my phone calls. During my time with God this morning, I remembered it and started praying about it to brace myself for church, and I stopped. Because I was talking to Someone and calling Him “Dad”. So I wished Him a Happy Father’s Day and hoped He had a good day and all, and then I moved on with my day. It was lovely.

Also, I realized in this day that often I do not make God as big as He is. Four days ago, I was screaming in anger because I felt like I had just gone backward three months in recovery. But I didn’t. Church this morning was lovely. Not painful. I serve a mighty God, who changes me. I am so thankful because I so need to be changed. Trigger tripping is a real opportunity for growth.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11


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