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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Dazed and Confused

I think the biggest thing I have learned today is things are not ever what they seem to be. I do not think I am saying that right. There must be 15,000 angles to view the world from, and I can only see the world from my angle. Sometimes I learn a new piece of information, which changes the angle from which I view the world. It is a tiny piece of information, but it entirely blows up my view of what reality is. Suddenly questions are answered. Ones I never even thought to put into words in my own head. Things I was entirely confused about snap into perspective. Overall, the new perspective answers my unasked questions, makes my world make sense and confuses me all at one time.

There is a lot of confusion in my life right now. Most of which I do not feel like I can share with anyone, which confuses me even more because I am no longer a person of secrets. I am confused because I am in the part of the learning process where I do not know anything. I do not even know enough information to know what I know and what I do not know. “Do you have any questions?” Uh, well, right now I am not well enough informed to know what I don’t know. So, no, I do not have any questions, but you can keep talking. I am sure I will come up with questions eventually. I may even come up with an opinion eventually. At some point, I will know enough to know which questions to ask. Just not tonight.

I know I said something about integrity recently, but the subject came up for me at step study again. I want to be one person. For some reason lately this is becoming really important to me. I simply do not want to step into the leadership roles I am stepping into as two people. I want to be one person, and I am not. Yet. It is driving me crazy.

God, please grow me up fast because I am tired of ducking out of tough conversations. Help me be willing to cry a river while entering a tough conversation instead of hanging up the phone, walking out the door or changing the subject. Help me always be willing to have all those tough, uncomfortable, scary conversations with people. Help me love them that much. Help me love You that much. Help me love me that much. Oh, this sucks. It really, really, really sucks.

I am sitting here wondering if it is really a matter of integrity that I struggle with as much as an issue of being willing to fight for people. When will I be entirely willing to make myself and perhaps the other person entirely uncomfortable for the sake of the other person? When will making amends become an integral part of who I am instead of something I consistently struggle with? When will the tough conversations become the most welcomed conversations?

I am sure glad I am not the one who is in charge of fixing this situation.

Step 2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. – Philippians 2:13

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