Well, I am sober. Yesterday I struggled on the way here with old emotions. I struggled with not wanting to communicate with men at all. I worried a bit about my addictive behaviors coming back. For the most part today I found myself going to God not wanting old comforts. Old comforts were really sucky.
I cried today like a real person would cry. Tears and a soft heart. There was a time in my life when tragedies happened and I could not cry though I desperately wanted to feel. I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t let it go. Now I cry like a baby – as in like a person with a tender heart. If there is no other celebration for my week this week, this would be it. It really is a celebration for the year. Though clearly tragedy is not.
I am really enjoying my vacation and am relaxing and letting my mind not think about work. I was worried I would not be able to. This morning I took a walk under the redwoods. It was so quiet. I have lived here before. I never knew it was quiet here. My brain was the brain of an addict back then. It went round and round and round in circles. It was not quiet at all here. Now it is nearly silent outside. Odd how one’s mental condition changes one’s whole experience so much.
I am an entirely different person than I was last year. Oddly I think I may be having the very same conversation with God as I have been having for the last two years and fiv-ish months. How do I leverage everything? My definition of “everything” has changed. My fear has changed. My giving has changed. My relationships have changed. My life has changed. but ultimately the question has remained the same.
I can only hope and pray the question always remains the same. May His light shine in darkness!
After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.” – John 6:66-69