What you need to know if you decide to go through recovery is sometimes you will have days that will be really, really hard. Sometimes you will be really angry. Sometimes you will surprise yourself and do things you did not know you could do. Sometimes you will have lots of fun. I did all of those today.
I have begun to be really angry again. I have noticed this largely through my self-talk. It has started to be sprinkled with all kinds of colorful language inappropriate for CR and a child of God.
I had a counseling session for the first time in three weeks today. I went and talked about stuff candidly that I never thought I would talk about to anyone. To the average listener, the topics would not have seemed monumental. For me they were laden with pain and shame.
My counselor has been pushing me to come up with goals for our time together. I came up with one: “I want you to help me experience deep emotion.” There is one issue with it. Perhaps you know to experience joy, one must experience pain. I cannot put on my happy emotions and keep my sad ones turned off. If I want to experience great joy, I will have to process the pain I am still holding inside.
As I climbed the steps on my way home, I thought about what it would look like to let go of the pain I am still holding inside. What if I did it all at one time? It was not a pretty sight. I decided perhaps I should be sedate a little longer.
As I neared my house, I invented a new prayer, “Father, I want to experience all these emotions and the pain, but I need to feel Your love first. Let me feel Your love first.”
I want to feel His love first because otherwise I am going to be a bloody mess. I pry will be a bloody mess anyway. I love how the people around me put up with my bloodily messily being at times.
I wish it was easier for me to cry these days. It was much easier for awhile and now I am fighting it all over again. Cry, baby, cry. It’s where the healing begins.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11