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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Crossroads

“The Lord our God is ever faithful.” so I sang on my way home tonight. I felt it, too; but I was pretty confused most of the day. At some point this morning, I just sat down and cried. I do not remember what I exactly cried out; but I do remember it was from the pain of having to trust Him. The pain that comes from faith.

You see, last night after I finished blogging, I lost a major filling while I was brushing my teeth. There goes carefully praying about the sensitive tooth on the other side of my mouth. Now I have a problem I cannot ignore. I was so mad at God today about my finances. The Apostle Paul can be poor and through his poorness experience God. Laura wants to be like the other apostles and be provided for. In any case, I cried out in anger and frustration.

I seem to be angriest because I cannot quit believing. What am I supposed to do? Up and quit following Him? I already tried that seven years ago. I have that t-shirt. I could go without it. Too late. It is weird to be in my position.

I thought earlier today that the sole benefit of following and obeying God must be intimacy with God. It does not seem like there are too many other benefits.

I am at such a delicate part of my journey. I am at a Crossroads. It is here where it would be easy to push the unfollow button. I know what you have asked me to do, God, but I have sacrificed as much as I am able. I am done. Is it fair to say the most frustrating part of the conversation with God is that not following is not an option? I too desperately need Him and greatly enjoy Him to consider that option.

Yet tonight I did consider that option. I sat in small group and rocked in the recliner and wondered what it would be like to unfollow. In the midst of all this darkness, what would it be like to quit? How would my life turn out if I hit unfollow and returned to a normal, nominal Christian life?

Boring. Well, it probably would not be entirely boring. I would be back in addiction in a heartbeat.

Here is to forever following Him!

Oh, and this evening when I was telling a friend about the several options I have in life to escape God’s direction and how absurd His direction seems, she reminded me of God’s direction for me. “Do not let one word of complaint pass over your lips.” It was kind of cool because right in the midst of my dilemma, my spirit leaped with joy at those words. I would have told you you were crazy a month ago if you told me such a thing could happen.

And yesterday and today I have struggled with fasting. It just doesn’t feel like I am fasting these last few days.

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me. – Philippians 2:14-18

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