Monday, 9:30 PM
If you wanted to know how I feel right now, I could tell you in one word; but I will probably take about 500 words to do so. I am afraid. I had a counseling session this afternoon, so I could freely talk with someone about all the parts of my life that are really difficult right now.
The session did not make me afraid, but telling someone freely exactly what I was experiencing did bring to mind all the issues that are floating right below the surface. Some of the things happening right now just make me want to cry, so I cry. Just a little. I would probably feel better if the damn broke and I flat out wept. It doesn’t. It hides behind a carefully controlled exterior. Carefully controlled because if it breaks, well, I don’t know, people would see it broken, I guess.
I was thinking tonight about integrity. The hard part for me about becoming a woman of integrity is my outside will have to match my inside. I am not sure my inside is a glorious sight. But as I sit here thinking, I realize having my inside match my outside would probably be just as bad.
Sometimes I think that is what my journey at CR is about – becoming one person. Telling the same story to everyone I see and everyone I know. Letting them get to know the real me. Allowing them to accept or reject the real me. I have noticed as I walk through these steps the second time I do not have to consciously make amends with some people because telling the truth and standing up for myself is starting to come more naturally. I have started to become one person. If that means I am entirely rejected, then so be it. That is much more bravely written than it is felt.
Three or four weeks ago, I thought I was going to have a quiet summer. The idea of that is entirely laughable now. This summer God apparently has me on an accelerated growth plan or in a pressure cooker, depending on how you look at it.
I was sitting here with my head in my hands thinking, “I will hold it together. I will hold it together. I will hold…” No, I won’t hold it together. In fact, at some point this summer, I hope I entirely crack. I hope my inside matches my outside. I hope at some point this summer I quit being so very aware when I am within a few blocks of the church office.
Earlier this evening I was thinking about a friendly acquaintance I had years ago. He said he was an atheist. He always said if he would go into a church, he sat in the back row in case the ceiling caved in (because he was there). That way he could escape. Honestly, that is how I feel about church offices. Only I am not afraid of the ceiling.
“Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before others, I will disown before my Father in heaven. Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn ‘a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.’ Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.” – Matthew 10:32-39
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