top of page
  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae


Right now I would give almost anything to not be honest or transparent. By right now, I mean for the last half hour I have spent surfing the net and avoiding writing this post. I have struggled a lot recently with what I want to share on this forum. I want to share honestly about my journey while still protecting the anonymity of the people with whom I am in relationship.

I have also discovered people actually read this because they have told me they do. I have never looked at the visitor stats on this site. I find it much easier to pretend I had one unknown reader somewhere whom I would never meet. When I discovered I have readers, part of me was honored, part of me wondered why and part of me was just plain scared. If it helps you to read about my journey, read on. I do not begrudge you. I merely struggle to admit to you I am weak.

The last time I learned I had been used to help someone I ended up sitting on my floor and crying before pulling myself together to go to CR. I do not understand why He would use me. When I finally gave my life completely to God two and a half years ago (after three years of being pigheaded and doing things my own way), I was sure I had ruined every opportunity that I had to be used by Him. I thought for sure He must have thrown me in the trash and moved on with His plan. No room for me in it. I had just so given up on my own ideas and plans that I decided to do things His way even if there was no hope to be of any use to Him or be worthy to be able to serve anywhere.

Somewhere in taking all the steps I was supposed to be taking. Somewhere in the middle of missions trips, counseling sessions and great big huge steps of faith like getting my ears pierced or wearing nail polish, He has redeemed me. I do not understand it. I have told Him over and over again, “Don’t you know who I am?” He keeps replying, “You are looking at the wrong person. Don’t you know who I am?”

So how was my day? Right now I am crying. I do not usually cry when I write this. Maybe it is a speedy answer to my prayer request at small group tonight: courage to be emotionally vulnerable.

Most of my day was good. I woke up happy and excited about my life and the ways I am slowly learning to trust and love people. I had an interesting conversation with God this morning. It included a revelation that I should be emotionally vulnerable before physically vulnerable. Open up emotionally first. That is like having my counselor tell me I should learn how to flirt. God is going to have to be a God of the impossible.

Closing thoughts I am thinking now: I do not understand why people do not reject me. I understand rejection. I have experienced it. I do not understand love. I am just realizing right now sometimes I try to get people to reject me on purpose. How far can I push you before your love will snap? Hey, I am not proud of it. I am just thinking about it.

I am powerless to do the right thing. My life is unmanageable.

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. – Philippians 1:4-6


bottom of page