It’s been a really quiet day. I spent about 10 hours today with children, so I was happy. I find I do not feel as insecure when I spend a lot of time around children. The twin babies I care for came back from Christmas break this week, and it was awesome! Today was so good I am almost feel like I just took a sabbath.
I did spend some time praying and thinking about mercy. Mercy is not a strong point for me. I struggle with it especially on the inside. Sometimes on the outside, too. It is the contempt for others that God seems to be weeding out of me. I do not have to be better than anyone to have value to God. I used to get a lot of my value from being competitive and winning.
My homework from my counselor for this week is to think about what outside of God do I use to make myself feel okay about who I am. So I have been thinking about this.
I have noticed I often put on a form of noise if I am feeling a little anxious. It helps divert my thoughts from what I am stressing about. I used to use two or three forms of media at once. Now I am down to one, generally. Though, I have three on now if you count the computer and baby monitor.
I like to learn. I think I still get a lot of identity from learning and knowing things. I like to know things. I guess I have been lied to one to many times in my life, so I try to study a lot whether it is in the Scriptures or random other areas of life.
I used to get a lot of identity from being successful where I worked. I suppose I still like to be good at what I do, but I am not near as hung up on succeeding as I used to be. It is a bit hard to be caught up in the American idea of success when one works four part time jobs.
Dancing and working out, body image in general, used to be a huge deal to me. Not so much anymore. These days I just walk a lot and call that fitness. No need to do anything real impressive.
When I do these sorts of inventories, I like to compare myself today to who I was two and a half years ago before I hit my most recent crisis and finally decided to do life God’s way because my way clearly was not working. I definitely go to God way more now than I did when I was warming a church bench and trying to do my own thing whenever I was not warming the bench.
I like to be accepted by the people around me. I am a bit of a people pleaser. I am also a doer. I like to do things. I feel like I am worth more if I accomplish a lot of things.
I also get worth and value from changing. I feel better about myself if at least I am becoming less “messed up” than I used to be.
As I have been thinking about the correlation between physical and spiritual running over the last few days, I have come to the conclusion that I should eat healthier. It will help me run both races better. I have started to eat more junk food these days.
I guess I will continue this moral inventory later.
Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. – Lamentations 3:40