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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Confusion

Great week. Rough day. My day was still light years better than what a rough day used to look like for me, but it was pretty rough. I fought and won my first battle by like 6 am. Something like that. I have a hard time not doing the worst case scenario thing in my life. Many times this way that I handle things helps me actually take risks. If I can look at the worst case scenario and know I am okay with that loss, then I can take the risk. Worst case scenario now just makes it hard not to cry. Six years is a long time to be in the desert. I absolutely adore the character I have developed and the Savior I have come to know. I love getting my water from the Rock and my food from heaven. But I am still tired of the desert. Maybe if I could shut up with the complaining, I could get out. There is so little complaining compared to what there used to be. I end up, on a day like today, just going over in my mind if there is any possible glaring sin in my life for which I am being punished. Am I doing something to deserve this? Did I earn this position and situation? How did I get here? I couldn’t intellectually explain it in a million years and if I tried to explain it in other ways, everyone would tell me I am stark raving mad. Everyone except my counselor, and I pay her not to. I am way too tired tonight. A friend drove me home from dinner group. I am really glad, but I could tell I am too tired to be a very loving person right now. I guess that just means I am looking forward to Saturday. One more long, hard day before then. God is faithful. He will never let me go. No matter how confusing my circumstances are, I will always be able to follow the Spirit. No one will be able to separate me from Him. There is no law against His fruit, and no one can take Him away from me. No circumstance will deprive me of His leadership. Wherever He leads I will go. Wherever He leads is where I will have perfect peace. It may be an extremely painful journey. It may be the path that I would never choose (what has been?), but if He is leading then it will be 10,000 times better than any other choice I could make. When He leads me forth, it will be perfect peace. I wait on Him and Him alone. I rest my weary soul in Him. To live is Christ. How I wished I really understood this!

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13

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