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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Confined by love

I just wrote a very cheerful poem that ended with “God forgive me // I hate the chains that bind me to thee.” That pretty much sums up my day and my current emotional state. I hate love. I had counseling today, and I am sure I could never reword it quite as eloquently as she heard my passionate anger at being trapped. Because there is something I sometimes write about. I call it commitment, but another word for it is trapped. I am trapped. I have no way out because I have allowed love to bind me to thee, so I loathe thee. It for sure was a morbid poem about love!

But I am so angry. A wise person told me today I need to get rid of it before going to bed. I wonder where she got that idea from. I have been trapped. I have been robbed. God has betrayed me. Passionate anger overflowed as I left my counselor hear just how I felt about the transition in my life over the last three years. I am so angry, in some ways almost uncontrollably.

Now would be the perfect time to choose bitterness, give the devil a great big huge foothold in my life, and die without ever accomplishing anything. How ironic would that be? To die of bitterness God called you to an impossible task, and so never complete the task with/for Him.

Honestly, I wish the I could vomit the way I feel out. That is what my spirit feels like. I need to vomit it out. It sickens me. I hate loving. I am so mad quitting and leaving are not viable options because love binds me. Love must be life’s strongest binding force, and I hate it.

If only I would have turned back before it was too late.

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” – Ephesians 4:26-27

With those guidelines, I may never sleep again. Can you imagine one of my points of rage today was anger over owning a bed instead of sleeping on the floor like I used to do?

May God be gracious to me.

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