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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Committed

There was a snow day today, which was very sad in that I do not get paid for snow days and I am not all that rich. That is not true. God is my provider, and He has provided for me in an abundant way over the last two years. For two years, I have not had a job. Not a real job. A gig here. A gig there. Whatever adds up to pay my bills. It always has. Generally, I have had to turn down a gig every now and then to ensure I am getting proper rest. This month my gigs are cancelling on me. It is a new thing in my life and does have me wondering how God is going to pay my rent.

The best part about this snow day is I wrote a record amount of words on my novel today. I had to quit about 6:00. My brain just could not do more, so I am resting up to be able to write tomorrow. I think if I write 2,000 words tomorrow, I will have written 10,000 for the week. If jobs keep cancelling, I may just get 40,000 words written this month. I am looking forward to that. I think I may have a 90,000 word novel on my hands though. I don’t think I will finish it in March, which sure is a bummer. Anyways, it needs descriptors added throughout. Sometimes the story line is too important for me to worry what color the table is or what a friend looks like or how the air feels on one’s skin. That will come on draft two. Maybe that will be April’s job.

I have realized a few more things about the incident on Sunday that have been troubling me. There is this dichotomy within me. On one hand, I crave love and acceptance just like every other human on this planet. On the other hand, I push it away. Apparently it is one of my knee-jerk reactions to become indignant when given it. Honestly I am still in a state of shock that I have come to a place where I am so safe at church that I left my walls down far enough to have a knee-jerk reaction.

I am a little concerned my knee-jerk reaction to mattering to someone is anger. It does not really make sense; but I do know that I have purposely not made friends in various places I have lived so that when I left, no one would care. There would be nothing to hold me back. Ironically, the message on Sunday was about commitment, which I am really learning to enjoy.

Two years ago, I was committed to Jersey for one day. Now I am committed for years. It feels good. It feels real good to have something in my life worth laying down my life for. I guess that is a big part of commitment: recognizing there is something in this universe more important than myself. It is this something I am committed to. It is this something that is worth giving up my life for. Often the something are someones.

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