About a week ago, I titled a post “Where all my dreams collide”. The line keeps going through my head. It seems like it is quite true. I think I have made it home. I know change is gradual, but over the last two and a half years I have changed from someone who had a one day commitment to anything to someone who never wants to leave. Ten months ago I was so unable to handle commitment, I never even had a bed. Made me feel too tied to a place.
I wonder what it will be like to leave the next time I have to leave. It seems unlikely I will be able to stay until I die. I cannot say that I would complain about it. How did I get back to being so grateful and happy? Right now the idea of thinking about knives and hurting myself seems absurd. I don’t want to die. I want to live. Someone said to me last week, “Had I ever thought about asking God to take those feelings away from me?” Oddly, I don’t know if I ever had. I have started to ask God for a lot of things these last few days.
Philippians is still doing well. Fasting, praying and reading Philippians seems to be doing my heart wonders. Fasting always has a way of turning my heart to Him, changing my attitude and refocusing my source of strength. I am a fan. It definitely is helping me. That and realizing I will be able to forgive as long as I trust my God is just.
That’s all now. (My dreams are still colliding, and I still don’t want to go to bed. Sigh.)
And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. – Philippians 1:9-11