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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Change

I woke up this morning and did something unusual. I wrote down the first thought on my mind about my conversation with God last night. It was this, “One of the reasons I am afraid of committing to a life of living on the edge is because I am afraid of waking up every morning like I did this morning – realizing I cannot make it through my day without Him – not just emotionally but in a things-I-need-to-do way.”

Tonight as I reread what I wrote this morning, I am coming to the realization that that very situation would solve me having to experience one of my greatest fears. As I have been following Jesus over the past two years and actually doing what He says on some level, as I have begun pursuing Him and His way, I have begun to fear that one day I will make the same terrible decision I did five years ago to only serve Him partly. I am afraid I will willingly make choices to leave a pursuit of Him and walk away while everything in my guts becomes a miserable mess.

But if I wake up each morning, knowing I cannot live my day without Him, knowing I could never make it, knowing I could entirely screw up my life in one day, then in the midst of that, wouldn’t it be much harder to leave Him and pursue only the glory of my own name? I will undoubtedly have the wrong motives often and have to repent and ask God to change them. But if I lived in the midst of something so much bigger than myself, wouldn’t it be harder to choose only myself?

At some point today, I came to the realization I feel like I am choosing between following God and certain relationships in my life. Earlier today I thought that was a lie, but tonight I think it is true. Earlier today I contemplated the relationships were only superficial anyway because when I actually introduced my real self into the relationship, it exploded into a thousand uncomfortable pieces.

Clearly I was not in the original relationship, some pretend person was. The pretend person with all her lies and all her walls was. She didn’t even think she was a liar. She thought she was just being respectful within the relationship. She thought lying and living a lie was respectful. Sometimes I still lie. I am simply too weary of disagreeing to disagree. Some noncommittal answer covers my true feelings and on life goes with no resolution to my frustration over my unwillingness to expend too much energy fighting for people.

Now that I wrote all that, I agree with my original premise that I am not choosing between ministry and relationships. The relationships I am currently grieving were never actually there. Besides continuing at CR and continuing to walk through the 12 steps, will continue to cost me relationships. Not everyone enjoys people who are beginning to be open and honest with God, themselves and others.

I thought about being teachable today, and I determined I wanted to go about life with a slightly new mantra. “The only thing worse than being wrong is being unwilling to become right.” It is just something I am thinking about.

When I came home from step study tonight, I felt overwhelmed by all the changes in my life. I felt like everything was changing and I really had little control over it. And everything is changing. I was praying and complaining to God about it, “Isn’t one thing going to stay the same?” And I started to laugh at myself, “No, Laura,” I said, “Nothing is going to stay the same and aren’t you glad? The people around you are going to change; the relationships are; the job descriptions are. Isn’t that what you want for us? That we all grow?”

As sweet as this last year and a half have been, life is only going to get sweeter as I heal. My relationships are getting so much better. They are real. I am learning to trust. And hey, I only took a deep breathe and braced myself three out of four times when I went into the church office this week. I am growing.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. – Philippians 1:6

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