Today was a huge celebration because it seems like God is reminding me of how much I changed and all the reasons I have to celebrate. I have been doing a lot of soul searching about where my heart is in the service I do. Someone spoke some truth into my life about it a few weeks ago, and it has been changing my conversation with God because it has been challenging me to truly let God lead. It is not so much that I have been doing things He didn’t want me to do on the outside. It is that the inside needs to change. He needs to have this from the inside out.
Today I celebrated that I might be in a battle now, but less than two years ago, my struggle was to not look at porn or do other addictive behaviors. I sat at this same computer in this same corner of my room and fought a war. God won it for me. That temptation almost does not exist in my life anymore. Definitely not porn.
Last night as I prepared for bed, I could feel a need in my heart to connect with someone. It was late, so I decided to watch a short comedy clip on YouTube to give me some human interaction. Three years ago I was a codependent mess, desperately calling the person closest to me in my life to talk for hours just to make me feel okay. I was not okay unless everyone was okay with me, which basically meant I was never okay. I still talk for hours to people. But now instead of providing me with basic emotional stability or filling the gaping hole on the inside, the conversations are also filled with inspiration and encouragement. Unlike five years ago, the conversations are focused on truth instead of a multitude of lies to make me feel better in the moment.
I have been pretty whiny in the last few weeks though. Not constantly, just sometimes. I had something that happened recently that really wiped me out emotionally. I am having to get back up from that. I do not always feel real good along the way.
Mostly I am just real glad I am not who I used to be. This week I have been able to stop old thought habits after only a few seconds and minutes of thinking them. That is victory!
We thank you, O God! We give thanks because you are near. People everywhere tell of your wonderful deeds. – Psalm 75:1
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