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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

But I can’t see Him

Today was a pretty good day. I never had a nightmare. I woke up in a pretty good mood. Lately I have been feeling like really rocking out to worship music in the mornings. If I get caught at work jumping up and down with my hand up in the air singing enthusiastically, I may get tagged in the crazy Christian category though. I try to keep that stuff in the privacy of my own home at hours when my neighbor below me is out and not sleeping!

I could not write today. It was too much to ask of my weary emotions. Instead I did schoolwork and worked on some CR stuff. Then I figured next week I could work on writing instead of do schoolwork. It made sense to me; and whether it made sense or not, it was about all I could do.

I will have had x time today as long as I spend time with God before bed. I am getting so much better at spending time with Him and keeping stable throughout my day. I worked on my inventory again. Putting my answers into the worksheet and finishing the analyzing parts. Man, but am I a petty person! It really is very embarrassing! Admitting this to someone is going to be hard!

It is fun because over the three months it took to do our inventory, I have changed. The way I can tell I am a petty person is because sometimes in the damage and effect columns all I can put is that this action by the other person was the instigation for the unforgiveness within me. That is all I can think of that the event caused in my life. I resented them for whatever reason. Their actions would have had almost no effect on my life if I had not chosen unforgiveness.

Today as I finished preparing the message for denial on Sunday, I got up for quiet time. I began to have a conversation with God. It was also partly inspired by how much I have been thinking about the idols in our lives and what that looks like. My conversation with Him included one main concept. The phrase I repeated over and over. “I can’t see You.” I worship a God I cannot see, hear, touch, smell or taste. I guess I have known this my whole life. Even before I put my trust in Him, I knew I couldn’t experience Him through my senses.

But somehow today I re-realized I worshiped Something I could not see. I had a strong relationship with Someone that was not material. I remembered how if we have seen Jesus we have seen the Father. I hear about Jesus and I read about Jesus, but I have never put out my hand and touched Him.

I have been thinking a lot lately about God’s unending love and how I am supposed to be a picture of that in people’s lives. The God I cannot touch lives in me. It is the only hope I have of ever reflecting His crazy awesome character! He is and there is none like Him!

One of the twelve disciples, Thomas (nicknamed the Twin), was not with the others when Jesus came. They told him, “We have seen the Lord!” But he replied, “I won’t believe it unless I see the nail wounds in his hands, put my fingers into them, and place my hand into the wound in his side.”

Eight days later the disciples were together again, and this time Thomas was with them. The doors were locked; but suddenly, as before, Jesus was standing among them. “Peace be with you,” he said. Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and look at my hands. Put your hand into the wound in my side. Don’t be faithless any longer. Believe!”

“My Lord and my God!” Thomas exclaimed.

Then Jesus told him, “You believe because you have seen me. Blessed are those who believe without seeing me.”

The disciples saw Jesus do many other miraculous signs in addition to the ones recorded in this book. But these are written so that you may continue to believed that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing in him you will have life by the power of his name. – John 20:24-31

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