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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Broken pieces

I have the rare problem this summer of continually working myself out of something to do. This is actually a much bigger problem than I would ever imagine. I eventually run out of things I want to get done. I guess it is way better than the opposite problem.

I am really struggling today. Not because life was in any way bad; but life, in fact, was really good. Nonetheless, I am struggling with feeling like I will never be viewed as a whole person psychologically and emotionally and that I will never be one. I feel like I have ruined my chances in life of ever being viewed as competent. The last seven years of my life have been brutal on my self-confidence. Is it possible for any more things to happen to communicate to me that I can’t succeed?

I know God asked me to give up my career for love. I have never heard an audible voice from God (Yikes!), but that is the strongest I have ever heard anything from Him. It was so long ago. I didn’t realize how much meaning and stability one gets from one’s career. At this point my career is simply going to be in the freelance world. It isn’t like I don’t work or have anything to do; it is just that there is no boss. I really, really like having a boss. Odd. Most of what I have enjoyed about most of my jobs is that I haven’t had bosses that felt like bosses. I could do whatever I wanted, and they were just kind of there to be there. As long as you believe in the mission of the organization you work for, that works. I loved that freedom, but maybe I really like someone to be there just to be there. Someone to be responsible to other than myself. A team. I really like being on a team. I like doing things together. I like having someone to answer to. Why I think you care, I don’t know.

I think I am really frustrated that this blog exists. I don’t know how it got started. I know I have told the story of how it got started, but I didn’t mean to start it. I certainly didn’t mean to tell you all my garbage. I just told my story every night. I tried to remember what made me look good probably wasn’t going to make Him look good. If I didn’t share my weakness, no one would know His strength that was actually working through me.

It’s crazy to think of the pain you could read on this blog. You know. You have read at least some of it. I can’t even read some of it because it is so painful. But part of that is because I remember the even greater pain that isn’t shared in the post. Sometimes I can remember the great pain in the story I was telling, but I can’t imagine I remember most of the days. Who remembers what happens on so many days?

There are some things I wish I hadn’t shared. I know I hurt a few people who are close to me now by sharing a few things I shouldn’t have, but I don’t regret sharing my weakness. Two weeks ago I told my counselor something I shared on here, I was like, “Who says that?” I won’t remind you what I said. It was a description of how broken I am. Overall, I don’t regret if you know it. It’s just really humbling for people to know how broken I was when I first got saved. I just had this evil twist inside me. I suppose that it was pain trying to get out. I used to do really horrible things. I used to want to do really horrible things. I cannot begin to tell you the evilness that filled my thoughts as a child. I wouldn’t want to tell you here. I wouldn’t even tell you in person. I don’t even think I have told a counselor in person or a counselor at all. Maybe someday I should.

I knew when I started telling this story, it wasn’t going to look good in the beginning. It would take years before God working in me would change me into someone that someone else would want to be. It would take a long time before anyone would see redemption on this blog. I would like to think now someone has. I would like to think that that first year and a half of crazy mess is a backdrop to the miracle that He has performed in me. I would like to think that a miracle has been performed in me. I think that I am different, don’t you?

But one thing that frustrates me about sharing so much of my story is that sometimes i feel like I carry around a stigma. Will people ever think of me as WHOLE, or will they always think there is a great battle being raged on the inside? Will they always think of me in pain because it is pain that God saved me from? Will they ever look at me and only see His peace and joy? Will they remember my sin, pain and weakness or will they wonder at the Redeemer? Will they bind me to my past thinking there is no way for me to escape it? Will they always treat me like I am fragile instead of like I am whole?

If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied. 1 Corinthians 15

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