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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Breaking free

Today was one of those days I got to see how far I have come and feel how far I have to go. Pride was a huge topic of conversation for me. It has been for the last few days. I can close my hands and do it my way or I can open them wide and do things God’s way. It is really hard to do things God’s way. I know He knows stuff much better than I do, but I keep trying to do things myself.

It all reminds me of back when I had a career. I really was trying to make a name for myself like people did with the tower of Babel in the Bible. What can I do to make myself look good? To feel important? Sometimes I want to live life like that now. Even if what makes me feel important has changed. Actually now that I say that, I am not sure if it is what I mean. The whole direction of my life has changed, but what makes my flesh feel good is still to pretend I have control and try to control things. That is what I tried to do so hard.

I experienced quite a bit of pain today. I have learned it all comes from my pride. Not all my pain comes from my pride, but what I am processing now does. I just want to be whole. I want to be whole before Jesus instead of with Jesus. My wretched pride loathes my brokenness. How I long for the day when I am humble and accepted my brokenness! If I only knew the path there… Maybe I should say if only I could create a microwave oven version of the path there…

I once again experienced the power of confession today as I opened up about someone who kicked me where it counts recently. It is amazing how good it feels to let someone know I have been wounded. (Yet the whole thing with pride is that I want no one to know!) It took the power out of it. Suddenly I knew the brokenness in that situation was in the kicker not the kickee. There is plenty of brokenness in me. But people do not sin against me because I am broken, they sin against me because they are broken.

If only I would turn completely to Him!

Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. – John 15:4

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