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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Break the cycle

So today was better and worse. Better in that I moved on from thinking about knives apparently for the time being. But it was still hard. A lot of the feelings I have been having on the inside all are very reminiscent of me shutting all the way down about fiv-ish years ago. It is very wearing emotionally because I get all up in my head and afraid that things will turn out the same way and I will just have one long chain of panic attacks when it comes to any type of relationship with any type of man for the rest of my life. But the good news is a lot about me has changed since then.

I am a much different person. I am pursuing God now. Then I was pursuing my own glory, and I thought the people around me pursuing God with everything they had were fools. If you can just live with fire insurance, why not? Fast? Who would do that? What kind of fool are you?

So that is different. But other things are as well because I have been pursuing God for about four years now. I have girlfriends. I actually believe women love me. My Tuesday night step study is on the insanity lesson. “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results each time.” The pride part of me asked me what I was going to different this time. Next week I did not want to tell my group that I the same thing was happening over and over again. What was going to be different?

I realized that the last time this happened in my life, I started to make sure all the different parts of my life stayed very separate. That way no one would know about how “frozen” I was in certain settings. I think that is a good way to describe it. Frozen. I isolated myself in my embarrassment of what I perceived as incompetence.

Today I do not see it as incompetence. I see it as wounding and pain and hurt and the result of sin. I realize I have to let God heal the inner pain, so the outer problem can go away. Not vice versa. I also am surrounded by people today who do not judge me for the panic, but gather around me to support me. Neither people who trigger the panic or the ones around watching are there to laugh or see me fail. They are there to help me work through learning to be loved.

So tonight I told the truth to my unCR church group. I told them about my thoughts on Sunday night. I told them about the panic attacks. I told them about the anxiety I have over little things like shopping for a new dress. I told them I did not want to repeat the cycle all over again. I reckon they do not want me to either. That was good.

So today was full of highs and lows. I reached out to people locally for help in two new ways. Earlier today in a conversation where I just left the person love me through my fear. Then tonight with dinner group. I had never told them about that part of my story before.

But the best part of my day was about an hour this evening when all my trouble just seemed to lift off me. I sat and knelt on my floor and felt the presence of God like I have not felt Him in such a long time. I was not sad. I was not struggling. I had no fear. I was just His child. He surrounded me. He gave me peace. It was so amazing. A little piece of heaven here on earth.

Now I am having a hard time not freaking out over everything again. But I know He is for me, so are all His people who are pursuing Him wholeheartedly. With a team like that on my side, how can I not learn to be loved?

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. – I John 4:16-18

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