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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Born to be free

Today was weird, too. I do not know how to explain it, but it is really like I am a new person. I was a very tired, slightly scared new person today. I felt a bit like a fish out of water. The weird part is I even feel different and awkward when I am by myself. Like I have a new skin or a new life, and it feels different to wear it.

I continued to recognize and process lies from my past today regarding the culture I was raised in regarding church leadership. It is odd how many “layers” of recovery there are. You know recovery is like an onion. You keep peeling off layers going deeper and deeper. I have been saved for ten years now. For most of that time, I have been actively working on “recovery”. What is most surprising to me is how deep the breakthroughs have been lately. It seems like I am even having my biggest breakthroughs from the two years I have been at CR.

I was scared today; but I would not say I lived in fear, which is a weird argument. I think I am almost scared of living and being healed. Maybe the best way to describe it is I am like a wild animal that has been locked up its entire life. Now someone has not only opened the cage door, but set me outside. I simply do not know what to do. I am free; but though I was born to be free, I have no idea what to do with it. I might know how to walk, but I do not know what the ground feels like. I might know how to eat, but I have no idea what real food taste like. (And if I was a wild animal, I would want to be a wildcat on the African plains. So I will say I might know I want to eat an antelope, but I don’t know how to run after one and kill it.)

Everything is just so different. Maybe I am entirely the same from the outside. I do not know. But not on the inside. It feels like all my walls must be gone, but maybe they are not. The other thing I am scared of (I don’t know if scared of is the right way to put it) is that I have some big things I will be dealing with coming up. It is weird to know I will be walking in even more freedom. I do not know what to do with it. I cannot even handle what I have right now!

Did you know I am more than a conqueror through Christ? Did you know what I conquer is anything that tries to separate me from His love? Did you know that the reason I am more than a conqueror is because of His love in me? Just sayin’

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. – Galatians 5:1

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