Thinking about today makes me laugh. Not because it should be funny. I don’t know what it was. I took part of the day off. A really awkward kind of off. I cried. I went through old journals to throw out what I did not want. All the things that remind me of certain people and places during my years of addiction. I just wanted to clean house and not take them into the next stage of my life. Oddly enough it turns out that I have either already done this or I never found where the right journals were. Now that I think of it I bet I have a whole other stack of journals in my chest. Sigh.
I have another stack of journals in my heart. Memories which just don’t go away. I cried with the sweetness of some of the things I found. I found the papers in the photo on the left. I have a thing for hanging signs on my wall. After I hit rock bottom, I hung these on my closet doors. Usually each sign has a Bible verse, but for this message I thought I needed something bigger. I thought God had taken everything away from me. Since what I was clinging to was rotten, He probably did. But instead He was inviting me into living a real life. One which actually had life and freedom. I cried as I found various things in my journals from all the way back to 2005 when I got saved.
I read entries from my first fast. That was quite emotional. Mi vida loca. I did throw away my econ notebooks from college. Sorry, Dr. Rustici, life took another route. Micro, macro, no thanks. I apparently prefer to laugh and cry with people instead. It is one of the… never mind, I probably don’t have to give you a rundown on all the econ I don’t remember at all.
I am working hard at trying to forgive. It is not necessarily working out for me. I have forgiven much more than I had six months ago, but I still can’t fathom surrendering everything.
I have been listening to country music today even while praying and going through my past. For some reason it is helping me open up emotionally and cry about stuff. It is relaxing me.
Ah, there is such a great potential for disappointment in my life. I don’t know if I will end up giving what I want to give. I think I may have come to the end of my capacity to give. I have given everything I have. If it is not enough, then I have nothing else. I don’t think it was enough, so I weep.
In all the experiences I have had with God, I don’t understand how I have come to a place that is so much better than where I used to be, but I believe Him less. When I had no one, I believed He was everything. Now that He has given me so much, I don’t know if I can trust Him.
I have tried to pour my heart out to Him tonight. I have asked Him to change it. I have begged Him to make me the kind of person I would like to be, but I don’t know if it is enough. It seems like He doesn’t hear me lately, but turns a deaf ear to my personal requests.
I think I wish I had the nerve to quit. I think that is what best describes where I am at. Why is quitting so hard?
Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more. I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods or take up their names on my lips. Psalm 16:3
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