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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Blessed are those who mourn

Oh, I am so tired right now! I should not be. I have been hitting a wall at 9 pm. Way to early!

So on Sunday, I had a step of growth. Technically, it was exciting. I was excited in the moment. I was excited the rest of the day, but now I am grieving. The incident that occurred demonstrated growth within me. I am walking towards real relationships. But it has been bothering me that it did not bother me.

This noon in my quiet time, I figured I better journal about it. I had no idea why it was bothering me so much. I wrote down the emotions I was feeling: sad, scared, uncertain and off-balance. I am getting dangerously close to be a woman of integrity. Someone who is the same everywhere she goes. Someone who is known and loved. It scares me.

I realized I seem to be processing anger over having left people this far into my life. These feelings of sadness and anger prompted me to ask myself the question, “What am I grieving?” The answer came easily enough: the loss of (what I perceived to be) control. So essentially I am continuing to make step two. “Blessed are those who mourn.” When I first started CR, I never understood how each Beatitude fit with each principle. Now I do. This is not the first time I have mourned I have no control. It is not the first time I have grieved that I am not God.

I noted in my journal if I let those people in, I cannot control the relationship anymore with isolation and walls. There will be give and take. I will be loved whether I like it or not. I have no idea why I have such a problem with being loved, especially when I recognize it as love. I understand when I had a problem with it when it felt like something else. But who has a problem with being loved?

Sunday night I decided there is a conspiracy at my church to love me. Why does that make me want to sulk? My life of isolation has been largely purely awful. Why would I want it to continue? Why do I grieve this?

A few hours ago, I wrote my counselor, “I don’t understand why people would choose to love me yet.” It seems to me like I need to keep having a conversation with God about step two. Maybe if I can get the “that I matter to Him” part through the thick walls of my heart, I will be able to let the love of His people sink in without trying to fight it. Why does it scare me this much? These people are incredible, and I love them.

So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples. – John 13:34-35

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