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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Binging God time

This evening you would not be getting the truth about my life if I had not jotted a few things down in my journal this morning. It is not that I would lie on purpose, but this evening I have been enjoying an evening with God and I have experienced some peace. About 6:30 this morning I composed this monstrosity:

Justice’s cry remains the same. “Life shouldn’t be this way.” It isn’t fair; it isn’t right. It can’t be holy in His sight.

Why does life hurt like a bitch? Why does the Church lurch and pitch. Like turbulent waves in a dangerous sea She rages on and hurts you and me.

The pain of life is just too much. Where is the unity? In which world did Jesus promise Unity to those who loved Him?

Division, pain, hatred, strife Are the attributes of Jesus’ wife. I am tired of this rigamarole. Transparent? No, I won’t tell a soul.

Not theologically sound. Not true to my experience; but if you want to know what I was feeling, that is a good indication.

I battled a lot with bitterness this morning. That voice in my brain that just argues with the authority figures in my life. The categorically stupid part is that I was not angry with any authority figures in my life and couldn’t even think of a reason to be mad at them. But my brain sure was going. I even knew who I was actually mad at. I tried unsuccessfully several times to just let my brain go in circles against him. That did not work either. I kept projecting onto leadership.

The entire time I tried to have a conversation with God about it and the root of my problem. It didn’t go so hot, but I think I discovered it tonight. I am pretty sure it is step study emotions. I am quite terrified to make the next step on my journey. Three months of humbling myself before God and examining my heart. Yeah, seems like a recipe for temporal pain with an eternal payoff.

I met up with a good friend this afternoon. That finished turning my day around. I am quite sane and in my right mind now though I did struggle with anxiety even late this evening.

I realized tonight I am binging with my God-time. I had a lot last week. I had voices in my life tell me I was ridiculous and didn’t need that much time with God – at least not always. I made the unhealthy, unwise and stupid decision to listen to them. I decided x time should happen for one week. I went back to only having quiet time in the morning. By Thursday (today) I begin to fall apart. God is like an addiction. The more I know Him, the more I want to know Him.

My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. – John 17:20-23

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