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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Back on the wagon

This morning I decided to act on the conviction I had felt last night for spending so much less time with God than I had been. I felt guilty this morning for no legitimate reason. It was good incentive to jump back into an old habit. I looked at the clock, sat down on my bed, and determined to not get up until a specified amount of time had passed. I had such an amazing time I stayed 2 and 1/2 times as long as required.

I discovered a fantastic reason to journal. At the top of my first page, I blamed the issue I was praying about on everyone else. By the time I made it to the bottom of the page, I discovered it was actually one hundred percent my problem. Now I can change.

I began another page by journaling about another relationship where I am struggling. I drew a line down the middle, labeled the first column my part and the second the other person’s part. Where was the problem? I never managed to fill out the second column. By the time I finished with the first column, I realized I had enough answers to why there were problems in the relationship.

After thinking about it a bit, I labeled the top of both columns 50%. I suppose neither of us are likely 50% of the problem, but we are each 50% of the relationship. I can’t change the other person, but I can change the relationship.

I read over the next lesson for step study “Moral”. I am trying to maintain my enthusiasm for healing as we walk (all puns intended) into step four. Taking an honest personal inventory is tough. Sharing it with other people is tougher. It is hard to be honest in step four while knowing making direct amends with all people we have harmed or forgiving those who have harmed us is a few short months in the future. It is quite like preparing a list of extremely difficult things to do. No one will quite know if I omit truth, but I will not reap the benefits of freedom if I do.

The rest of the day I spent very peacefully doing chores. I went for a walk with a friend. I kept pausing in the middle of my work to just be glad for where I am and how I have changed. Who I was is not who I want to be. It is not even who I wanted to be. I cannot wait to see how this chapter in my life turns out. I ended the day by spending time with God before blogging. Now this is the way to live.

You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said. – Luke 1:45

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