Today is a day of freedom. A day to celebrate it is for freedom Christ has set me free. This afternoon I realized the tremendous amount of pressure I am putting on myself. I entirely broke down. I do not lead a perfect life. God has no expectations of me. Pressure is never from God. I think I better write that on a sign and hang it up somewhere, but then I better define pressure for anyone reading the sign besides me. Pressure from expectations is never from God; but sometimes when His Spirit is leading me, it feels like pressure to make a move.
So I wept today because I surrendered a little bit more to His calling. I allowed myself to engage a little bit more in the joy of experiencing His love. I question whether I will be able to maintain it very long. It is maintenance that makes my path so unhealthy. I start thinking I need to live up to a certain level of intimacy with God.
Last Saturday and today I read Ecclesiastes. Today I also engaged the Beatitudes (as a CR leader, how shocking!). I got to thinking what a contrast there was between the two parts of the Bible. The one guy saying everything is meaningless; the other saying the path to happiness is simply entirely counter-intuitive. Naturally, in the end the writer of Ecclesiastes says something fancy about following God and enjoying life.
I wonder if I have the courage to actually surrender my life to Christ. Every minute of every day. My heart hurts right now. Just a tiny piece of me wishes God had called me to something easy. He never called me to anything easy. He called me to something super hard; but if it was easy in my opinion, I would never need Him. So it is undoubtedly good that it is hard.
My heart beats for Him.
As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before him? – Psalm 42:1-2
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