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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Anticipation

There were serious highs to this day and serious lows. If a good sober day is rated a five on a scale of one to ten and ten signifies emotional highs and one signifies emotional lows. I had twos and nines today. Maybe threes and sevens. Let’s start with the amazing parts. I talked and talked and talked. Talking is amazing. I laughed. Because of the rather toxic religious environment I was raised in and the whole shunning thing I went through leaving, I am a bit scarred when it comes to sharing my faith or talking about God in general with people who don’t believe like me. But broke it in just a bit tonight – in very bubbly laughter filled way.

I saw hope in dark places today. I saw God working. Right now I am bubbling over with excitement for the future. One, two, three months into the future. God is doing such amazing things! I just realized while writing two sentences ago that I think this is the first time in my life I have been truly excited about the future. I used to live for the future, but not for the sake of actual anticipation for it. It was more because I was so miserable in my present, I thought the future could be an effective escape from the present. Of course, I kept taking the present and myself with me into the future, so the future did prove to be a pretty rotten means of escape.

The down sides. I experienced technical difficulties today. I immediately went to blaming them on people. I don’t do very well with things I have no idea how to fix. Being from a farm and all, I can fix a fence. I have no idea what is wrong with a printer. But I can tell you this, I would like to take a hammer to it.

The down side isn’t the hammer-to-it part. It is the feeling like all the people who touched the printer in the last week hate me part. How irrational is that? I knew it in the moment. It still took me literally hours to snap out of the problem. I even argued with myself about it in the moment. I didn’t continue to blame people for hours. I just didn’t recover my good mood for several hours. But the upside of that is it took only several hours. It used to take days for me to stop blaming the people.

Everyone needs compassion. Everyone needs compassion.

God is giving me such an amazing week I feel like I am His spoiled brat. He is entirely spoiling me for Christmas this year.

Everyone needs compassion, especially me.

The LORD is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made. – Psalm 145:9

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