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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Another step

Regrets I have: starting this blog. I have started this story, and I feel an irritating need to finish it. Every time I try to go to bed without it, it won’t let me. It seems to call me. I cannot get away from it. Some days I am not sure if I love or hate things I cannot get away from. Above all else, it is an irritating amount of accountability. Accountability to nameless, faceless people. So what would someone wondering if they want to go through recovery need to know about my day?

I woke up with a troubled stomach. I never slept much at all last night. I couldn’t really tell if it was from anxiety or due to the fact we haven’t put in our air conditioner yet. Probably a little bit of both.

Naturally, I had anxiety going into the meeting this morning. Always by the end, I wonder why. There really isn’t anything to be afraid of. There really isn’t. I prayed a lot in the last few days about being teachable in it. It does help. Just like in the other areas of my life when I am scared. I think when I do everything that is within my control to be “teachable” and open, I do not shut down as much emotionally but am able on some level to process emotion in the moment.

I have been thinking over the last few days about walking by faith not by sight. I keep telling God I am going to run into things if I do. It seems like a tall order.

I was quite content most of the day. Now I am trying to figure out my life. Things never go well when I try to figure out my life.

“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money. Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. – Matthew 6:24-33

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