I am mad. I do not want to be mad, but I am. My anger has been rising since last week when my counselor told me she wanted me to start feeling the frustration I am feeling in one of the multiple challenging areas of my life. I was confused. I did not think I was frustrated. It was all in God’s hand. I was trusting God and being patient. That particular storm was not even bothering me a little. The frustration I was feeling was because she did not believe me.
So I started to get in touch with those feelings. Within a few days, I realized I was furious. I am mad at God. I am not mad at Him for the conventional reasons victims of any type of abuse are mad at Him. I am mad at Him for other reasons. I am mad at the Holy Spirit for leading me where He has led me. It does not feel like the most loving path.
I am mad life is not easy. I am mad it is not perfect. I am mad that when I gave Him complete control of my life four years, one month and three weeks ago, He led me here. What was He thinking? Why would He choose this path for me? Couldn’t He have led me somewhere where I would always feel good? I want to feel good.
I have been doing a lot of repenting since last Friday night when I realized I am literally angry at the Holy Spirit for where He has led me. I have realized something significant. For the last couple years of my life, I have read the entire book of Job and only understood a part of it.
I kept pointing out to myself and others that in the end God took Job’s side and not the side of Job’s friends. Clearly God values honesty. He values us coming to Him and fighting it out.
However, I seemed to entirely miss God did not really take Job’s side either. “Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge?” is hardly a response filled with admiration for Job’s anger. I also seemed to miss Job’s response to God’s questions was repenting in dust and ashes.
Now I am glad I do not have to repent in dust and ashes because I do not like to get dirty. I am thankful I only need to turn and go in the opposite direction.
I often obscure God’s plans with words without knowledge. I tell Him His plans are hard, impossible or simply take way too long. But I think those things because my knowledge is very small.
I need to repent of my anger and begin to believe what God believes about me. He created me for His glory. It is absolutely true that He wants me to live my life with abundant enjoyment as the result of my relationship with Him. But I was not created for my enjoyment; I was created for His glory. I am not His god, and He does not worship me. He is my God, and I worship Him. I think my emotions often get these facts confused.
I have a very small understanding of the eternal significance of the various segments of my life. I do not understand how I always experience true joy in sacrifice. I do not understand how sacrifice still feels like sacrifice when it is only in it that I find joy. I do not understand why it is natural (and perhaps necessary) to grieve the things I lose for Christ along this journey even when I know He has always followed through and given me a greater experience of love than I thought possible. I do not understand why I weep over the pain of losing things I do not want back. I am sure I have a very, very limited understanding of how this universe actually works.
How can His Spirit still bring me such joy when I am mad at Him? How can He awaken me in the night with a song on my lips the night after I discover all my anger towards Him? Why does He choose to do anything through me when I am a chronic complainer?
Why can’t I just humbly accept I am the servant? Why do I have so many questions when God leads me into a fiery furnace (like He did Daniel and his friends)? Why is it so hard to believe God is good even while I am experiencing a massive amount of His goodness? I know God is excited about me bringing my questions to Him, but why do I have such a hard time trusting His answers?
Why can’t I have more faith? If I gave more credence to my belief in things unseen than I did things I see, my anger would dissipate. Who am I to question why God led me here? Why do I think it is my right to know?
Are you angry at God? Is your anger at God justified or, as in my case, is it based on a lie you are believing?
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