I am thankful He is never changing, and I am ever changing. It makes Him trustworthy and gives me the opportunity to become like Him. I wonder if in heaven I will stay the same or will we change and grow there, too?
I had a quite pleasant day. I still feel like I live in some alternate universe. It is weird to live a life where I actually feel like I am experiencing His love. It is really weird to watch men around me love me and each other. It is odd to have people build me up when I start to be just me around them. Where is all the tearing down? Don’t they see my flaws?
I have been thinking about my identity today. Sometimes I think I identify myself with the “struggles with sexual and emotional abuse” part of my intro more than I do the “grateful believer” part. I wondered if Celebrate Recovery was at fault for causing me to define myself as a victim of past abuse. I considered the option and decided it was not at all true. Before I began my journey at CR, my identity was much more wrapped up in my past abuse. It was all of me. Now it is just the nagging pain I am learning to let out.
I also reflected back on my counseling session yesterday. We had started talking about some things that required me to think logically in the middle of our session. I had to try to explain to her the simplest concepts of CR. We were, after all, running into a pretty big terminology problem. Because of all those emotions coursing through me, I could not explain those simple concepts. I could not say what I meant. I wondered if that is one of the reasons I have experienced so little real emotion around people. I am simply terrified of becoming entirely incoherent. I like to look good and sound smart. I do not like to not be able to think.
I may feel like I am living in an alternate universe, but I am starting to enjoy it. In fact, I can’t even wait for something that happens next week! I think I am becoming happy. I am not always happy, but it is now a probable emotion I can experience each day.
And I thought about Hosea today. I wrote about it in My Weekly Thought, so I will digress. I just can’t believe I always thought he was unfortunate before today.
To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory. They will rebuild the ancient ruins, repairing cities destroyed long ago. They will revive them, though they have been deserted for many generations. – Isaiah 61:3-4
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