I don’t like feeling alone. I don’t like feeling like a loner. I don’t like feeling like I am on the outside looking in and no one wants to play with me. I don’t like it at all. Not even a little.
But I often make choices that have me feeling a little alone and a little left out. On my trip to Mexico, the feeling intensified. When I am in a group like that, it just does. I suppose that it probably does for everyone for different reasons. My reason is that I always have to keep making the decision to step away from the laughter and games to go away to talk to Jesus.
Sometimes when I am talking to Jesus I would rather be laughing and talking with my friends. That probably hurts Jesus’ feelings because He has done a lot more for me than my friends have. I have cool friends, but Jesus is cooler. Spending time with my friends laughing and talking is lots of fun, but it doesn’t help me love people near as much as spending time with Jesus does.
Take for example yesterday when I was at work. I decided to spend half as much time with God at noon as I usually do and spend the other half of the time texting a friend. By the end of the day, the people I work with were regretting my decision. They didn’t know about my decision, but they were regretting it because they were experiencing Laura when she hasn’t talked to Jesus enough and that is a pretty stressed-out person. But hey, I really wanted to talk to my friend!
I really hate that my incessant need to talk to Jesus pulls me away from building relationships with people in order to build better relationships with people.
I didn’t realize that this was the situation until after I wrote that sentence. Now that I put it that way, it makes a little more sense. But it still makes me feel alone a lot.
Like this week when someone invited me out to dinner with friends. “I can’t,” I said. “That’s my late night at work.” My friend with good intentions said, “How late do you have to stay? Maybe you can make it work…” Well, they said something like that. I cringed a little. Oh crap, confession time. I said something like, “Well, I have enough time, but I am going to have to spend the time talking to Jesus. It’s my spiritual and emotional needs that are the handicap. Not the actual time.” I felt so left out.
But I knew I had a choice. I could go to dinner and have the people I work with the next day really regret my decision, or I could go home and talk to Jesus. It felt like a party was happening around me, and I couldn’t be a part of the party. It happens to me a lot. Choosing to be alone means you’re alone.
I don’t like to be alone. I guess that is why I choose to spend time with Jesus, so I don’t have to be alone. I just wish I could have both. Why do I have to sacrifice what seems so good and fun to be with Him? Why can’t I do a lot of both? I just want to be the kind of person that could. I get so jealous of them some days.
Maybe you are like, “Laura, you don’t have to be so legalistic or rigid or habitual. You could skip your time with God and have fun instead sometimes.”
You’re right. I do sometimes… like the other day at work, and the people around me usually really regret that decision. They really hate it. They don’t know what it is that they are regretting; but they wish that I had spent a little more time apart from them; so that when we came together, it could be more fun instead of having Laura be mean to them.
That is my thought for the week. I wish I was a cool, fun, hip party person; and instead I am a quiet, thoughtful, solitude-seeking over-thinker.
Are you ever sad that you have to sacrifice one thing to have another? Do you ever wish you had a more exciting personality? What do you give up to spend time with Him?